| Faux News |
| We can't be bothered with research so we just make these stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN. |
Congressional Liberals Propose to Legalize Marijuana, Prostitution
Emboldened by the Democrats’ takeover of the white house and congress, a coalition
of the country’s most liberal congresspersons have proposed an economic stimulus
plan of their own. They want a nationwide legalization of marijuana and prostitution.
According to the leader of the coalition, Rep. Martin Stiller (Liberal Democrat—Cal.),
“This plan will stimulate the economy much more than a few extra dollars in people’s
paychecks or pouring billions of dollars into companies that are losing billions of
dollars. First of all, we would be taking billions of dollars that are being spent in the
“underground economy” and move it into the real economy. Then there’s the savings
in the time that the police and courts spend dealing with these unnecessary criminals,
and the relief to our overcrowded jails. Last but not least, federal, state and local
governments will make billions of dollars in taxes and licensing fees. It’s win-win-win.”
When asked about the immorality of such a policy the congressman replied, “When we
don’t have a single member under investigation for anything, maybe then we can start
legislating morality.”
Santa’s Workshop is in Foreclosure
Sources report that Santa Claus’s palatial home and toy factory at the north pole are
now in foreclosure. According to public documents the mortgage is held by Winter
Wonderland Title Co., the only lender that serves the arctic region. When reached at
their offices for comment, the mortgage company’s VP Jack Frost said, “Mr. Claus has
five hundred years to go on a one thousand year loan, and he’s already fallen several
years behind. We hate to do it, we really do, but I’m afraid we just can’t carry him
anymore.”
A call to Santa’s workshop was answered by spokeself Naomi Litel (Lee-tell), who
informed the reporter that Santa Claus was currently at his vacation home in Jamaica.
“The economy has been tough on the Christmas biz along with everybody else. And
the truth is, the north pole factory has been shuttered for years, ever since Santa
discovered that Chinese labor was cheaper than elf labor. I shouldn’t even be telling
you all this but I’m just here to watch things until the eviction goes through and then I’m
out of a job, so screw it. Except for the big night Claus can run everything from
anywhere with a laptop and a phone now, so it looks like the place in Jamaica is going
to be his new base of operations.”
RNC Changes Position on Cloning, Stem Cell Research
RNC Chairman Michael Steele made a startling announcement today, declaring that
the Republican Party was prepared to make limited exceptions to their historic objection
to cloning and stem cell research. He said they were willing to support such research
for the limited purpose of creating an adult clone of Ronald Reagan and curing his
Alzheimer’s disease. According to Chairman Steele, “If we could do that, the world
would be such a wonderful place.”
Mel Gibson to Star in “Cheers, the Movie”
A representative of mega-star actor/producer Mel Gibson issued a press release today
to announce that he has signed on to play the lead in an upcoming movie that will be
based on the long-running television sitcom Cheers. According to the release, “Mel is
looking forward to stretching his acting chops in the enigmatic role made famous by
Ted Danson. He has done a lot of heavy, violent movies and jumped at the opportunity
to show another side. A lot of people think of TV characters as shallow, but Sam
Malone was complex; an aging ex-jock who was a womanizer and a former alcoholic
who tested himself every day by hanging around in a bar with drunken idiots.”
Insiders report that Ted Danson was offered the role of Coach, to which he replied,
“What the f##k are you talking about? I’m only a few years older than Mel Gibson!”
However, he hasn’t ruled out the possibility of doing a brief cameo.
Gene Simmons Sues Detroit Pistons Over Kiss-Cam
Gene Simmons, the founder and bass player of the over-the-top rock band Kiss, has
filed a lawsuit against the owners of the Detroit Pistons professional basketball team
over their use of the term “kiss-cam.” A couple of times during each home game the
screen will focus on a couple in the audience and flash the words kiss-cam,
encouraging the couple to do an onscreen kiss.
When reached for comment, Simmons explained, “Kiss-cam is the term we used for the
close-up cameras whenever we taped a performance. It’s trademarked. I mean, I don’t
really care if they use it, but they gotta pay. It’s called royalties, bay-bee.”
Pamela Anderson’s Breast Explodes; Six Bystanders Injured
Former Baywatch star Pam Anderson was walking outside a popular clothing store on
Rodeo Drive when her left breast suddenly exploded without warning. The brunt of the
explosion was taken by Kirk Madsen, a 42 year old deli manager from Sandusky, Ohio
who was approaching Anderson for an autograph when the blast occurred. He
required hospitalization because the force was so powerful that a nipple ring
penetrated his body like a bullet, narrowly missing a lung. Five other bystanders
received minor injuries from pieces of breast, both real and artificial, that flew like
shrapnel.
Anderson was rushed to Shangri-La Surgical Center and Day Spa, where a team of
doctors worked feverishly to repair her shattered breast with skin grafts from her
buttocks. When reached for comment her cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Fred Yung, said, “I
tried to warn her that human skin will only stretch so far, but she kept wanting them
bigger and bigger. She always said, “The bigger the boobs the better the roles.” I’m
just glad that nobody was killed.”
Emboldened by the Democrats’ takeover of the white house and congress, a coalition
of the country’s most liberal congresspersons have proposed an economic stimulus
plan of their own. They want a nationwide legalization of marijuana and prostitution.
According to the leader of the coalition, Rep. Martin Stiller (Liberal Democrat—Cal.),
“This plan will stimulate the economy much more than a few extra dollars in people’s
paychecks or pouring billions of dollars into companies that are losing billions of
dollars. First of all, we would be taking billions of dollars that are being spent in the
“underground economy” and move it into the real economy. Then there’s the savings
in the time that the police and courts spend dealing with these unnecessary criminals,
and the relief to our overcrowded jails. Last but not least, federal, state and local
governments will make billions of dollars in taxes and licensing fees. It’s win-win-win.”
When asked about the immorality of such a policy the congressman replied, “When we
don’t have a single member under investigation for anything, maybe then we can start
legislating morality.”
Santa’s Workshop is in Foreclosure
Sources report that Santa Claus’s palatial home and toy factory at the north pole are
now in foreclosure. According to public documents the mortgage is held by Winter
Wonderland Title Co., the only lender that serves the arctic region. When reached at
their offices for comment, the mortgage company’s VP Jack Frost said, “Mr. Claus has
five hundred years to go on a one thousand year loan, and he’s already fallen several
years behind. We hate to do it, we really do, but I’m afraid we just can’t carry him
anymore.”
A call to Santa’s workshop was answered by spokeself Naomi Litel (Lee-tell), who
informed the reporter that Santa Claus was currently at his vacation home in Jamaica.
“The economy has been tough on the Christmas biz along with everybody else. And
the truth is, the north pole factory has been shuttered for years, ever since Santa
discovered that Chinese labor was cheaper than elf labor. I shouldn’t even be telling
you all this but I’m just here to watch things until the eviction goes through and then I’m
out of a job, so screw it. Except for the big night Claus can run everything from
anywhere with a laptop and a phone now, so it looks like the place in Jamaica is going
to be his new base of operations.”
RNC Changes Position on Cloning, Stem Cell Research
RNC Chairman Michael Steele made a startling announcement today, declaring that
the Republican Party was prepared to make limited exceptions to their historic objection
to cloning and stem cell research. He said they were willing to support such research
for the limited purpose of creating an adult clone of Ronald Reagan and curing his
Alzheimer’s disease. According to Chairman Steele, “If we could do that, the world
would be such a wonderful place.”
Mel Gibson to Star in “Cheers, the Movie”
A representative of mega-star actor/producer Mel Gibson issued a press release today
to announce that he has signed on to play the lead in an upcoming movie that will be
based on the long-running television sitcom Cheers. According to the release, “Mel is
looking forward to stretching his acting chops in the enigmatic role made famous by
Ted Danson. He has done a lot of heavy, violent movies and jumped at the opportunity
to show another side. A lot of people think of TV characters as shallow, but Sam
Malone was complex; an aging ex-jock who was a womanizer and a former alcoholic
who tested himself every day by hanging around in a bar with drunken idiots.”
Insiders report that Ted Danson was offered the role of Coach, to which he replied,
“What the f##k are you talking about? I’m only a few years older than Mel Gibson!”
However, he hasn’t ruled out the possibility of doing a brief cameo.
Gene Simmons Sues Detroit Pistons Over Kiss-Cam
Gene Simmons, the founder and bass player of the over-the-top rock band Kiss, has
filed a lawsuit against the owners of the Detroit Pistons professional basketball team
over their use of the term “kiss-cam.” A couple of times during each home game the
screen will focus on a couple in the audience and flash the words kiss-cam,
encouraging the couple to do an onscreen kiss.
When reached for comment, Simmons explained, “Kiss-cam is the term we used for the
close-up cameras whenever we taped a performance. It’s trademarked. I mean, I don’t
really care if they use it, but they gotta pay. It’s called royalties, bay-bee.”
Pamela Anderson’s Breast Explodes; Six Bystanders Injured
Former Baywatch star Pam Anderson was walking outside a popular clothing store on
Rodeo Drive when her left breast suddenly exploded without warning. The brunt of the
explosion was taken by Kirk Madsen, a 42 year old deli manager from Sandusky, Ohio
who was approaching Anderson for an autograph when the blast occurred. He
required hospitalization because the force was so powerful that a nipple ring
penetrated his body like a bullet, narrowly missing a lung. Five other bystanders
received minor injuries from pieces of breast, both real and artificial, that flew like
shrapnel.
Anderson was rushed to Shangri-La Surgical Center and Day Spa, where a team of
doctors worked feverishly to repair her shattered breast with skin grafts from her
buttocks. When reached for comment her cosmetic surgeon, Dr. Fred Yung, said, “I
tried to warn her that human skin will only stretch so far, but she kept wanting them
bigger and bigger. She always said, “The bigger the boobs the better the roles.” I’m
just glad that nobody was killed.”