| Fictitious Interview |
Exit Interview:
In this issue we give
former president
George W. Bush
one last chance to
defend his record
before he rides off
into the sunset.
In this issue we give
former president
George W. Bush
one last chance to
defend his record
before he rides off
into the sunset.
The Strange Times: First the obvious question; what will you do now that the
presidency is behind you?
George W. Bush: Well, I was offered a cushy job at Halliburton, Vice President of
Setting Tee Times or something like that. They sort of owe me a big favor. But for
awhile I’ll probably just hang around the ranch and do some speaking
engagements so I can bust Obama’s chops about the mess he’s going to make in
Iraq.
The Strange Times: So, looking back you’re still firm in your belief that invading
Iraq was the right move?
George W. Bush: Absolutely. Sadaam Hussein was an evil man, and it’s the duty
of the United States to fight evil. We’re like Superman, except instead of super
powers we have super powerful weapons. If we didn’t stop him he would still be
abusing the basic human rights of the Iraqi people.
The Strange Times: Does that justify the invasion? After 9-11 your own
administration showed an inclination to overlook human rights as well as the Bill of
Rights.
George W. Bush: There’s no comparison. It’s not like we were hooking up
prisoner’s genitals to a car battery. We made them a little uncomfortable for long
periods of time. Boo hoo. It’s like sitting through a Kevin Costner movie.
The Strange Times: Sounds pretty bad to me. How about the current economic
crisis? Does your administration accept any of the blame?
George W. Bush: Absolutely not. This crisis was caused by the tax-and-spend
policies of the previous administration. It just takes awhile for these things to take
effect.
The Strange Times: So when can we expect to reap the benefits of your borrow-
and-spend policies?
George W. Bush: Very soon. When the economy starts to recover it will be
thanks to my policies. As long as the new guy doesn’t do anything to screw it up.
The Strange Times: So you accept all of the credit but none of the blame?
George W. Bush: That’s always been my policy. I mean, sometimes--no matter
how great your plan might be--stuff happens and things go wrong. Whose fault is
that? Just part of God’s plan, I guess.
The Strange Times: Are you concerned that the Democrats might open an
investigation into the possibility that members of your administration might have
committed any illegal acts?
George W. Bush: That’s just a bunch of soreheads looking to get back at us. I
know my people didn’t commit any illegal acts because we changed the laws to
make sure. Case closed.
The Strange Times: Is there anything you would do differently if you had it to do
over again?
George W. Bush: I’d probably cut back on the breakfast burritos. The White
House cooks are great, but those things really repeat on you. More than once I
broke up a cabinet meeting early.
The Strange Times: Any parting words for the American people?
George W. Bush: You bet. Y’all be sure to come down to Dallas and visit the
George W. Bush Presidential Library in 2013. On opening day we’re going to have
snow cones and balloons for the kids.
presidency is behind you?
George W. Bush: Well, I was offered a cushy job at Halliburton, Vice President of
Setting Tee Times or something like that. They sort of owe me a big favor. But for
awhile I’ll probably just hang around the ranch and do some speaking
engagements so I can bust Obama’s chops about the mess he’s going to make in
Iraq.
The Strange Times: So, looking back you’re still firm in your belief that invading
Iraq was the right move?
George W. Bush: Absolutely. Sadaam Hussein was an evil man, and it’s the duty
of the United States to fight evil. We’re like Superman, except instead of super
powers we have super powerful weapons. If we didn’t stop him he would still be
abusing the basic human rights of the Iraqi people.
The Strange Times: Does that justify the invasion? After 9-11 your own
administration showed an inclination to overlook human rights as well as the Bill of
Rights.
George W. Bush: There’s no comparison. It’s not like we were hooking up
prisoner’s genitals to a car battery. We made them a little uncomfortable for long
periods of time. Boo hoo. It’s like sitting through a Kevin Costner movie.
The Strange Times: Sounds pretty bad to me. How about the current economic
crisis? Does your administration accept any of the blame?
George W. Bush: Absolutely not. This crisis was caused by the tax-and-spend
policies of the previous administration. It just takes awhile for these things to take
effect.
The Strange Times: So when can we expect to reap the benefits of your borrow-
and-spend policies?
George W. Bush: Very soon. When the economy starts to recover it will be
thanks to my policies. As long as the new guy doesn’t do anything to screw it up.
The Strange Times: So you accept all of the credit but none of the blame?
George W. Bush: That’s always been my policy. I mean, sometimes--no matter
how great your plan might be--stuff happens and things go wrong. Whose fault is
that? Just part of God’s plan, I guess.
The Strange Times: Are you concerned that the Democrats might open an
investigation into the possibility that members of your administration might have
committed any illegal acts?
George W. Bush: That’s just a bunch of soreheads looking to get back at us. I
know my people didn’t commit any illegal acts because we changed the laws to
make sure. Case closed.
The Strange Times: Is there anything you would do differently if you had it to do
over again?
George W. Bush: I’d probably cut back on the breakfast burritos. The White
House cooks are great, but those things really repeat on you. More than once I
broke up a cabinet meeting early.
The Strange Times: Any parting words for the American people?
George W. Bush: You bet. Y’all be sure to come down to Dallas and visit the
George W. Bush Presidential Library in 2013. On opening day we’re going to have
snow cones and balloons for the kids.
