| Faux News |
| We can't be bothered with research so we just make these stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN. |
Dick Cheney to Appear on Hollywood Squares
Former vice president Dick Cheney has reportedly signed a deal to make at least
four appearances on the network game show Hollywood Squares—with a stipulation
that he gets to be the center square for his first appearance.
When reached for comment, Cheney said, “I always had to be kind of the hard-ass
of the Bush administration, so a lot of people think that’s all I am. Comedians make
me out to be some kind of evil monster. So I want to show people my jovial, fun-
loving side. I want to show America that Dick Cheney isn’t all about bombing and
waterboarding.”
President Appoints Illegal Immigrant
In a move that some have hailed as another historic moment and others have
scorned as an unconstitutional travesty, President Obama announced the
appointment of Frederico Guitterrez as the next U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
Guitterrez is a citizen of Mexico who has lived in the U.S. illegally for ten years.
Reportedly, he had a law degree in Mexico and worked as a federal prosecutor for
the Mexican government until he fled to the United States because he feared for his
life from drug gangs seeking retaliation. For the past ten years he has worked as a
janitor in a downtown Chicago office building.
At a press conference the president defended his appointment, “I don’t see what the
big controversy is—it’s win-win. The Mexicans are happy because we’ve appointed
one of their own and the Americans are happy because we’ve sent an illegal alien
back home.”
When a reporter pointed out that he would be living in the U.S. embassy, which is
technically U.S. soil, President Obama replied, “Technically, yes, that’s true. But he
will have to apply for a visa before he can return here. The point is, he’ll be back in
Mexico and no longer taking a job away from a hard-working American janitor.”
Republicans Offer Their Own Stimulus Plan: Nobody Pays Taxes in 2009
RNC chairman Michael Steele held a press conference to make a case for the
economic stimulus plan that congressional Republicans have devised. With the
Democrats in charge they face an uphill battle to even have their plan considered,
so Steele is hoping to make their case directly to the American people.
Steele explained, “The plan is simplicity itself. 2009 is a tax-free year. No income
tax, no death tax, no capital gains tax, no federal taxes of any kind. The economy
will be stimulated like crazy.”
When asked how the federal government will continue to operate he replied, “That’s
the beauty part. Instead of borrowing money to cover the federal budget like certain
previous unnamed administrations, our plan would raise money by selling off
unneeded U.S. properties. Starting with Guantanamo Bay—it’s become nothing but
a liability anyway. Cuba’s not much of a threat anymore and the world looks at it like
some kind of American Auschwitz. So we sell it back to Cuba or to the highest
bidder. Then we sell off a couple of the less popular Hawaiian islands. Maybe we
sell some uninhabited wilderness in Alaska to the oil companies. Plus we have a
bunch of shuttered military bases and the states are always looking for places to
build new prisons. We think we can cover the federal budget and have a little left
over to put toward the national debt.”
Carrot Top Will Play Danny Partridge in Upcoming Movie
Comedian Carrot Top, who’s considered by many to be lucky to be working at all,
has been cast to play the part of Danny Partridge in the big budget, big-screen
remake of the television series “The Partridge Family,” which will be called “The
Partridge Family: The Movie.” It has also been reported that Britney Spears will play
Shirley MacLaine, Keith Partridge will be played by one of the Jonas Brothers, and
the two younger kids will be replaced by a cute little dog and a wise-cracking parrot.
The role of manager Reuben Kincaid hasn’t been cast yet, but the rumor is that Rob
Lowe and Ben Affleck have both expressed an interest.
Fans of the TV show might be disappointed by some of the liberties taken in the
movie. Besides the disappearance of the smaller siblings, the multi-colored school
bus will be gone. Instead the family will travel in a multi-colored VW van, thanks to
an endorsement deal with Volkswagon. Also, many of the songs they sing onscreen
will be vintage soda pop jingles, such as “I want to buy the world a Coke” and “I’m a
Pepper, he’s a Pepper, she’s a Pepper.”
Paris Hilton Forms Own Production Company
Celebutante Paris Hilton has started her own movie production company so that she
can finally land a starring role. She formed the company in partnership with Louis
Gosset Jr., called DizzyLou Productions. For their first project Louis will direct and
Paris will star in an updated remake of the Marilyn Monroe classic “Gentlemen
prefer blondes.” When reached for comment, Paris gushed, “Our version is going
to be called “Players Prefer Blondes.” It’ll be totally like the original, only all modern
and stuff. It’s gonna be hot.”
Scientists Agree: The World Will End on April 1st
For the first time in history all of the earth’s scientists are in complete agreement,
saying that life as we know it on our planet will come to an end on the first day of
April. According to astronomical know-it-all Gordon Funk, “A large star has
exploded in a nearby galaxy, sending a giant plume of gamma radiation right at us.
In the early morning hours of April First our planet will be engulfed in this deadly
radiation and almost every living thing will be fried within seconds like we were all in
a giant microwave oven.
Funk went on to say that it was unfortunate that this catastrophic event will coincide
with April Fools Day. “I’m afraid that a lot of people are going to think that this is all
just a colossal joke, but we are dead serious.”
Former vice president Dick Cheney has reportedly signed a deal to make at least
four appearances on the network game show Hollywood Squares—with a stipulation
that he gets to be the center square for his first appearance.
When reached for comment, Cheney said, “I always had to be kind of the hard-ass
of the Bush administration, so a lot of people think that’s all I am. Comedians make
me out to be some kind of evil monster. So I want to show people my jovial, fun-
loving side. I want to show America that Dick Cheney isn’t all about bombing and
waterboarding.”
President Appoints Illegal Immigrant
In a move that some have hailed as another historic moment and others have
scorned as an unconstitutional travesty, President Obama announced the
appointment of Frederico Guitterrez as the next U.S. ambassador to Mexico.
Guitterrez is a citizen of Mexico who has lived in the U.S. illegally for ten years.
Reportedly, he had a law degree in Mexico and worked as a federal prosecutor for
the Mexican government until he fled to the United States because he feared for his
life from drug gangs seeking retaliation. For the past ten years he has worked as a
janitor in a downtown Chicago office building.
At a press conference the president defended his appointment, “I don’t see what the
big controversy is—it’s win-win. The Mexicans are happy because we’ve appointed
one of their own and the Americans are happy because we’ve sent an illegal alien
back home.”
When a reporter pointed out that he would be living in the U.S. embassy, which is
technically U.S. soil, President Obama replied, “Technically, yes, that’s true. But he
will have to apply for a visa before he can return here. The point is, he’ll be back in
Mexico and no longer taking a job away from a hard-working American janitor.”
Republicans Offer Their Own Stimulus Plan: Nobody Pays Taxes in 2009
RNC chairman Michael Steele held a press conference to make a case for the
economic stimulus plan that congressional Republicans have devised. With the
Democrats in charge they face an uphill battle to even have their plan considered,
so Steele is hoping to make their case directly to the American people.
Steele explained, “The plan is simplicity itself. 2009 is a tax-free year. No income
tax, no death tax, no capital gains tax, no federal taxes of any kind. The economy
will be stimulated like crazy.”
When asked how the federal government will continue to operate he replied, “That’s
the beauty part. Instead of borrowing money to cover the federal budget like certain
previous unnamed administrations, our plan would raise money by selling off
unneeded U.S. properties. Starting with Guantanamo Bay—it’s become nothing but
a liability anyway. Cuba’s not much of a threat anymore and the world looks at it like
some kind of American Auschwitz. So we sell it back to Cuba or to the highest
bidder. Then we sell off a couple of the less popular Hawaiian islands. Maybe we
sell some uninhabited wilderness in Alaska to the oil companies. Plus we have a
bunch of shuttered military bases and the states are always looking for places to
build new prisons. We think we can cover the federal budget and have a little left
over to put toward the national debt.”
Carrot Top Will Play Danny Partridge in Upcoming Movie
Comedian Carrot Top, who’s considered by many to be lucky to be working at all,
has been cast to play the part of Danny Partridge in the big budget, big-screen
remake of the television series “The Partridge Family,” which will be called “The
Partridge Family: The Movie.” It has also been reported that Britney Spears will play
Shirley MacLaine, Keith Partridge will be played by one of the Jonas Brothers, and
the two younger kids will be replaced by a cute little dog and a wise-cracking parrot.
The role of manager Reuben Kincaid hasn’t been cast yet, but the rumor is that Rob
Lowe and Ben Affleck have both expressed an interest.
Fans of the TV show might be disappointed by some of the liberties taken in the
movie. Besides the disappearance of the smaller siblings, the multi-colored school
bus will be gone. Instead the family will travel in a multi-colored VW van, thanks to
an endorsement deal with Volkswagon. Also, many of the songs they sing onscreen
will be vintage soda pop jingles, such as “I want to buy the world a Coke” and “I’m a
Pepper, he’s a Pepper, she’s a Pepper.”
Paris Hilton Forms Own Production Company
Celebutante Paris Hilton has started her own movie production company so that she
can finally land a starring role. She formed the company in partnership with Louis
Gosset Jr., called DizzyLou Productions. For their first project Louis will direct and
Paris will star in an updated remake of the Marilyn Monroe classic “Gentlemen
prefer blondes.” When reached for comment, Paris gushed, “Our version is going
to be called “Players Prefer Blondes.” It’ll be totally like the original, only all modern
and stuff. It’s gonna be hot.”
Scientists Agree: The World Will End on April 1st
For the first time in history all of the earth’s scientists are in complete agreement,
saying that life as we know it on our planet will come to an end on the first day of
April. According to astronomical know-it-all Gordon Funk, “A large star has
exploded in a nearby galaxy, sending a giant plume of gamma radiation right at us.
In the early morning hours of April First our planet will be engulfed in this deadly
radiation and almost every living thing will be fried within seconds like we were all in
a giant microwave oven.
Funk went on to say that it was unfortunate that this catastrophic event will coincide
with April Fools Day. “I’m afraid that a lot of people are going to think that this is all
just a colossal joke, but we are dead serious.”
