| This Month's Fictitious Interview |
Sen. Joseph Lieberman
This month we ask the tough
questions and make up the
answers for Joseph Lieberman,
longtime Senator from
Connecticut who lost his
Democratic primary to upstart
challenger Ned Lamont.
This month we ask the tough
questions and make up the
answers for Joseph Lieberman,
longtime Senator from
Connecticut who lost his
Democratic primary to upstart
challenger Ned Lamont.
The Strange Times: After eighteen years of service in the Senate your
voters have discarded you like a used Kleenex. Are you bitter?
Joe Lieberman: Absolutely. But not against the voters. They’ve simply
been misled by the liberal media, who have made a concerted effort to
convince the American people that our nation-building efforts in Iraq are
going badly.
The Strange Times: You think things are going well in Iraq?
Joe Lieberman: See, that’s the kind of liberal bulls##t I’m talking about.
You ask that question as if things are not going well. They have a
constitution and a legitimately elected government. Before long they’ll have
the military capability to kill their own enemies.
The Strange Times: Before long? How long?
Joe Lieberman: No time at all, historically speaking. Maybe five more
years.
The Strange Times: Let’s take a look at your track record; you’ve been
elected to the Senate three times, in 2000 you were the Democratic nominee
for Vice President, in 2004 you were a Presidential candidate for a few
minutes, now in 2006 you lose in the Democratic Primary in an age where
incumbents are considered to be almost unbeatable. Do you really believe
you can win as an Independent when you can’t win your own party’s primary?
Joe Lieberman: Unfortunately, the anti-war fervor is most prevalent in the
Democratic Party. The Republicans will turn out to elect me to make sure
that Lamont doesn’t win because their own nominee is kind of a p###y.
The Strange Times: That brings up an interesting point. The White House,
the RNC and most of the Republican heavies have pointedly failed to
endorse your Republican opponent, Alan Schlesinger. Is it any wonder the
Democrats deserted you when you seem to have so much Republican
support?
Joe Lieberman: That’s because they know he stands a snowballs chance
in hell of beating Lamont and they would rather have me in office than the
peacenik. And I can beat both of them with one hand tied behind my back.
The election seems to hinge on a single issue, and the people of
Connecticut know that this war is the right thing to do.
The Strange Times: Do you have any plans to just become a Republican?
Joe Lieberman: I was born a Democrat and I will die a Democrat. Aside
from the war, there are many issues where I don’t see eye-to-eye with the
Republicans. For example, I co-sponsored the Family Entertainment
Protection Act with Hillary Clinton.”
The Strange Times: Right, the law to put warning labels on violent video
games.
Joe Lieberman: Exactly. You see, Democrats tend to despise violent
entertainment but don’t mind sexual content. Republicans, on the other
hand, despise sexual content but don’t mind the violence. That right there
proves that I’m a Democrat.
The Strange Times: So what’s you’re prediction for the outcome of your
upcoming election?
Joe Lieberman: I expect to win, of course. But I don’t know if I should be
making any specific predictions…
The Strange Times: Come on, off the record, just between you and me.
(editor’s note-- at this point our interviewer had his fingers crossed behind
his back.)
Joe Lieberman: Well…okay. My people tell me we should be able to get
about forty percent, with Lamont trailing by at least five points and
Slushinger taking the rest.
The Strange Times: Good luck with that. One last question: is the rumor
that I just started true, that you were once arrested for molesting kittens?
Joe Lieberman: F##k you!
voters have discarded you like a used Kleenex. Are you bitter?
Joe Lieberman: Absolutely. But not against the voters. They’ve simply
been misled by the liberal media, who have made a concerted effort to
convince the American people that our nation-building efforts in Iraq are
going badly.
The Strange Times: You think things are going well in Iraq?
Joe Lieberman: See, that’s the kind of liberal bulls##t I’m talking about.
You ask that question as if things are not going well. They have a
constitution and a legitimately elected government. Before long they’ll have
the military capability to kill their own enemies.
The Strange Times: Before long? How long?
Joe Lieberman: No time at all, historically speaking. Maybe five more
years.
The Strange Times: Let’s take a look at your track record; you’ve been
elected to the Senate three times, in 2000 you were the Democratic nominee
for Vice President, in 2004 you were a Presidential candidate for a few
minutes, now in 2006 you lose in the Democratic Primary in an age where
incumbents are considered to be almost unbeatable. Do you really believe
you can win as an Independent when you can’t win your own party’s primary?
Joe Lieberman: Unfortunately, the anti-war fervor is most prevalent in the
Democratic Party. The Republicans will turn out to elect me to make sure
that Lamont doesn’t win because their own nominee is kind of a p###y.
The Strange Times: That brings up an interesting point. The White House,
the RNC and most of the Republican heavies have pointedly failed to
endorse your Republican opponent, Alan Schlesinger. Is it any wonder the
Democrats deserted you when you seem to have so much Republican
support?
Joe Lieberman: That’s because they know he stands a snowballs chance
in hell of beating Lamont and they would rather have me in office than the
peacenik. And I can beat both of them with one hand tied behind my back.
The election seems to hinge on a single issue, and the people of
Connecticut know that this war is the right thing to do.
The Strange Times: Do you have any plans to just become a Republican?
Joe Lieberman: I was born a Democrat and I will die a Democrat. Aside
from the war, there are many issues where I don’t see eye-to-eye with the
Republicans. For example, I co-sponsored the Family Entertainment
Protection Act with Hillary Clinton.”
The Strange Times: Right, the law to put warning labels on violent video
games.
Joe Lieberman: Exactly. You see, Democrats tend to despise violent
entertainment but don’t mind sexual content. Republicans, on the other
hand, despise sexual content but don’t mind the violence. That right there
proves that I’m a Democrat.
The Strange Times: So what’s you’re prediction for the outcome of your
upcoming election?
Joe Lieberman: I expect to win, of course. But I don’t know if I should be
making any specific predictions…
The Strange Times: Come on, off the record, just between you and me.
(editor’s note-- at this point our interviewer had his fingers crossed behind
his back.)
Joe Lieberman: Well…okay. My people tell me we should be able to get
about forty percent, with Lamont trailing by at least five points and
Slushinger taking the rest.
The Strange Times: Good luck with that. One last question: is the rumor
that I just started true, that you were once arrested for molesting kittens?
Joe Lieberman: F##k you!
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