stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier
than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN.
An attorney for the American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit in
the Ninth Circuit federal court today naming God as the plaintiff.
The suit claims that He unfairly discriminates against those who
refuse to believe in and obey His Word. It also states that “the
Plaintiff did try to coerce all atheists and agnostics with threats of
eternal damnation.”
The class action suit seeks one million dollars in punitive damages
for each of thousands of unbelievers. When asked how they intend
to collect, ACLU spokesman Bret Matlock said, “After we win we will
go after the assets of every organization that claims to “work for
God.” In other words, every religious organization on earth.”
Apparently the ACLU is confident that God won’t show up in court at
the appointed hour and they will be awarded a judgment by default.
The White House announced today that the President is issuing a
standing challenge for Bin Laden to face him in a fight to the death
inside a steel cage. When reached for comment Bush said, “That’s
right. I’ve been working out, and I’m sure that I can take him.
Besides, have you seen this guy? He looks like he must be a
hundred. I’ll kick his wrinkly old behind all over the cage and then
use that long beard to sop up his blood.”
The details are yet to be worked out, but officials say that the match
would most likely take place on neutral ground--possibly in France.
NRA spokesman and aged actor Charlton Heston was rushed to the
hospital yesterday after one of his handguns accidentally
discharged and the bullet passed through his left foot. As he left
the hospital on crutches, he told a gathering of reporters that the
gun was not to blame. “The only one I can blame is…that son of a
b###h who gave me the goddam faulty gun--my former friend and
agent Max Weinstein. If I ever see that m##########r again he’s
dead. You hear me, Max? You’re dead!”
A spokesman for Heston later contacted reporters to assure them
that his death threat was merely a joke. “Mr. Heston would never kill
a person unless he absolutely had to, but he is a big believer in ‘an
eye for an eye.’ He would probably just shoot Mr. Weinstein in the
foot, or possibly the leg.”
Former President Bill Clinton was arrested by New York City police
for allegedly exposing his genitalia in a crowded restaurant. When
reached for comment Clinton explained, “A young lady asked to see
my tallywhacker, and being a southern gentleman I find it hard to
deny a request from a lady. I tried to do it as discreetly as possible
but this old biddy that looked like George W’s old lady--I mean his
mom, not his wife--saw it and called the police. It was really just a
big misunderstanding.”
A police spokesman later stated that the complaining witness was
actually a man, but that he did indeed bear a striking resemblance
to Barbara Bush.
In a new survey of eighteen-year-olds the respondents claim to be
voting in numbers five times greater than they did just four years
ago. However, when asked who they voted for in the last election,
ninety-five percent of them named an American Idol contestant.
FEMA Director David Paulison announced today that his Agency, in
conjunction with the Bush Administration, has devised a new plan to
handle the 2007 hurricane season. “Beginning in 2007 all areas
within fifty miles of the Atlantic Ocean or the Gulf of Mexico will be
declared an evacuated no-man’s land during the hurricane
season. We won’t force people to evacuate, but if you choose to
live, work or play in any of these areas between June and
November we won’t be responsible for your stupid ass. If you don‘t
like it, move to Nebraska.”
Actress and entrepreneur Pamela Anderson held a press
conference today to announce that a brand new bust development
video, starring herself as the host, will be released in time for the
Christmas shopping season. It is the first release from her own
brand-new production company, Double D Productions.
Anderson said, “This isn’t some mamby-pamby exercise video, it
will teach the viewer all about the only kind of breast development
that’s guaranteed to work. They’ll be taken step-by-step through
choosing the right cosmetic surgeon, deciding what size is right for
you, questions you should ask, like; Do all of those people really
need to watch this examination? We’ll also have lots of before-and-
after footage of many breasts, including mine. For some reason
our distributor expects as many sales to men as to women, if not
more.”
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