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Fictitious Interview
Our second
interview with the
woman who
would be
president.
half ago you were considering the possibility of a presidential bid. Now,
here you are, arguably the front-runner for the Democratic nomination.
How does it feel?
HILLARY CLINTON: Fan-f##king-tastic! I can say f##k here, right?
THE STRANGE TIMES: Actually, no. We’re trying to clean up our act
here, so we go by the cable TV rule; any words that would get bleeped
on basic cable are obscured on our site.
HILLARY CLINTON: Oh well, f##k it! (laughs) Seriously though, I am
really psyched. I will go down in history, not only as the first woman
president, but a great president that ended a bloody, pointless war in
Iraq and got our country back on track.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Speaking of the war, didn’t you support the
war in Iraq up until the public started to turn against it? What changed?
HILLARY CLINTON: I turned against it for the same reason the public
did--it’s become clear that the operation was ill-conceived, mismanaged
and impossible to win with any finality. As long as we stay there, there
will be militants there who oppose us. When I joined most of the Senate
in voting to authorize the war we believed that the administration and
military leaders knew what they were doing. I’ll be the first to admit that
I was wrong about that.
THE STRANGE TIMES: You’ve announced an idea for a national
health care plan. This isn’t the same plan that took the wind out the
sails of your husband’s administration, is it?
HILLARY CLINTON: No, it’s new and improved. Actually, it’s much
simpler. I think that the main problem with the plan we came up with
back then is that it was too complicated for the average idiot to
understand. But the real problem was that Congress couldn’t handle
the idea of the first lady spearheading such an important initiative. You
can bet my administration won’t make the same mistake. Bill will stick to
soft issues like literacy and the environment.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Say you do get the nomination--any thoughts
about a possible running mate?
HILLARY CLINTON: I would ask Obama if he was interested. That
would be a great one-two punch--the first woman and the first black
elected to the two highest offices. Then after my eight years he could
run for president.
THE STRANGE TIMES: What if Barack Obama won the nomination?
Would you accept a bid for the number two spot?
HILLARY CLINTON: Maybe. Cheney has shown that the vice
president doesn’t have to be irrelevant. And like they say, it’s only a
heartbeat away. As the first black president Obama would have every
racist nutjob in the country gunning for him.
THE STRANGE TIMES: What’s the first order of business for the
Clinton administration? Health care?
HILLARY CLINTON: Health care, getting our troops home from Iraq,
getting our deficit back under control--basically we have to undo eight
years of misguided incompetence. But give me a Democratic majority
in both houses of congress and we’ll get it done.
THE STRANGE TIMES: So you’re basically claiming that the
Republicans have screwed the pooch and now the Democrats have to
come in and fix it?
HILLARY CLINTON: Screwed the pooch? That’s putting it mildly.
More like they’ve sodomized the cocker spaniel.
THE STRANGE TIMES: You seem pretty confident that the Democrats
will be in control after the ‘08 elections.
HILLARY CLINTON: Why not? Bush’s popularity is still in the dumps
and there’s no sign that he’ll turn it around any time soon. He’ll drag all
the other Republicans down with him.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Any concerns that Bill might embarrass you
with some kind of scandal and maybe even blow your chance?
HILLARY CLINTON: Bill keeps busy with his hobbies, he just better
keep his hobbies very discreet if he knows what’s good for him. He
gets caught with his pants down again and I’ll be a divorced president--
after I’ve made him a eunuch.
THE STRANGE TIMES: One last question. Is there any truth to the
rumor that you used to be a hermaphrodite until you recently had your
penis removed?
HILLARY CLINTON: That’s an outrageous lie. It was never a fully
functional penis.
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