Page
so we just make these stories up. It
may not be informative but it's a lot
funnier than at least half of what
you'll hear about from CNN.
Former president Clinton will be the keynote speaker at an exclusive
fund-raising luncheon for St. Bernadette’s Home for Unwed Mothers in
Little Rock, Arkansas. According to a press release from St. Bernadette’
s, “Bill Clinton has long been a big supporter of our program and we are
honored that he agreed to speak for us.”
When reached for comment the former president said, “It’s true, I’m a big-
time supporter of St. Bernie’s. Over the years I’ve known several young
ladies who found themselves in the difficult situation of being pregnant
with no husband or boyfriend to speak of. Maybe the baby’s father was
a good guy, but he was married with a child. Maybe he even had a
political career to think of and couldn’t afford another scandal. So he
pays her to keep quiet and sends her to St. Bernie’s where they help her
through her pregnancy with compassion and discretion.”
When asked if he makes regular financial contributions to the home
Clinton replied, “Absolutely. I personally bring them a check every month
or so, so I’ve even gotten to know some of the girls that are staying there
now. A couple of them I’d like to get to know a lot better after they’ve
had those rugrats.”
PETA STARTS NEW CAMPAIGN TO SAVE MICROSCOPIC CREATURES
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has announced the start of a
new public awareness campaign to end “the slaughter of billions of our
planet’s tiniest and most vulnerable creatures.” According to
spokeshuman Olive Animas, “Not only do Americans use over-the-
counter medications and antibiotics to ruthlessly murder countless
bacteria and viruses every year, but now there’s a trend to use all kinds
of antibacterial soaps and cleaners to indiscriminately wipe out billions of
bacteria, the vast majority of which are completely harmless. Just
because a life-form is tiny doesn’t mean that it doesn’t count.”
BUSH CLAIMS IRAQ WAR IS GOING EXACTLY AS PLANNED
President Bush confided to a small group of reporters that, contrary to
popular belief, the war in Iraq was going exactly as he and his advisors
had planned. According to the president, “Don’t tell anyone--it’s a
secret--but things are going almost exactly as we planned all along. We
knew that by starting another war in the region we could lure in more
terrorists to where we could kill them. As far as the sectarian violence--
the more the Iraqis kill each other the easier they will be to control down
the line. We knew our strategy might cost us control of the House, but
when the whole plan comes together before the next election we’ll keep
the White House and take back the House.”
NEW REALITY SHOW WILL PUT CELEBRITIES IN “REAL JOBS”
A new reality TV show called “Celebrity Employee” will be coming to Fox
network this fall. According to a network spokesperson it will take has-
been B-list celebrities and put them in ordinary, menial jobs. “No, it’s not
going to be like Simple Life where they just go in long enough for us to
get some footage of them screwing around. They’re going to put in forty
hours a week and they have to actually work, just like anybody else. The
only difference is that we’ll be following them around with cameras to film
them scrubbing toilets or getting chewed out by their teenage
supervisor. Our research tells us that the public is hungry for more
public humiliation of famous people. The beauty part is, we’ll only be
paying the celebrities minimum wage.”
According to a network press release the first season will feature Erik
Estrada delivering pizzas for a popular restaurant chain (on a small
electric scooter), Valerie Bertinelli working the cash register at a busy
grocery store, and Ted Danson sweeping up hair in a barber shop.
PARIS AND NICOLE WILL STAR IN ANOTHER ‘REALITY’ SHOW
The Entertainment Network has announced that, despite the cancellation
of their “summer camp” show, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie will star in
another show to debut this fall. Like one of their earlier series which was
filmed while they were fighting, the girls will be filmed separately. Footage
for the show will be taken as they serve their respective jail sentences
and the show will be called “The Prison Life.”
According to producer Jake Romney, “Obviously, they wouldn’t let our
camera crews go inside the prison and follow them around, so we rigged
up a system of tiny, state-of-the-art cameras throughout the place and
wired the whole place for sound. Like, we had five cameras in the
cafeteria, a couple in each hallway, three in Paris’ cell, and twenty-seven
in the shower room. So we got a lot of good footage of the girls
complaining in the chow line, getting shivved by a jealous psycho, having
sex with the guards in exchange for protection--whatever went on, we got
it. And we didn‘t even have to pay a camera crew, so it was win-win.”
Page