| Ask The Strange Advice Lady |
If You're looking for a
little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I find myself taking 10 showers a day; the problem is the shower just
doesn't cut it. I have many, many toys that jiggle, wiggle and tickle, but
to my dismay the thrill has gone away. Now I am finding myself
dreaming of my ex who's gone away, which makes me wetter than the
Niagara Falls.
I have tried women, I have tried men, (many I might add) but they all
seem to fall short of pleasure and it just increases my pressure. I feel
like a balloon that is about ready to pop. Please help me strange
advice lady to find something that's hot.
Can’t Get Enough
Dear Can’t Get Enough;
I feel your pain, sister. What you need to do is stop obsessing over
the old loser and concentrate on finding a new loser. In the
meantime, I recommend the Vibramatic 6000, a Chinese-made
monster that’s guaranteed to take you from 0-60 in less than five
minutes. The only drawback is that it’s gasoline-powered, so you’re
not supposed to use it indoors.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
My life is nearly perfect except for one very big problem--my mother-in-
law. She comes to visit us several times a year for several days at a
time and I’ve tried my best to win her over. But for some reason she
despises me and does nothing but berate me and put me down
whenever we’re in the same room. I’ve tried being sickeningly sweet
to her and she’s still surly. I’ve tried being surly to her and she gets
even surlier.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m almost ready to tell my wife that either
her mother stays at a motel or I do. What should I do?
Stooge-in-Law
Dear Stooge-in-Law;
You shouldn’t have to put up with that crap in your own house. Lucky
for you, every day thousands of people die in household accidents. A
hair dryer falls into a bathtub, a person slips on the stairs and breaks
their neck…what you have to do is arrange for an ‘accident’ to
happen to your mother-in-law. The important thing is that nobody has
any reason to believe that it wasn’t an accident.
I know it seems like a drastic measure and you might be worried that
your wife will actually miss the old bag, but you need to do it for your
own mental health and for the sake of your marriage. Plus, your wife
might inherit something. That should ease the sting.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I’ve been living well above my means for years now and suddenly I
find myself buried under a mountain of debt. I have five different
creditors threatening to garnish my wages and no hope of ever
getting them all paid off. But I’ve been told that new federal laws have
made it nearly impossible to declare bankruptcy and walk away from
your debts. All I want is a fresh start--and maybe one clear credit
card. Is there any hope for me or should I just blow my brains out?
Sinking Fast
Dear Sinking Fast;
I’m not going to say you shouldn’t blow your brains out--I don’t know
you well enough. But you’re right about one thing, you need a fresh
start. If an illegal immigrant can buy a forged birth certificate and
social security card, so can you. I would suggest you go to a
metropolitan city and look for one of those shops that make ‘novelty’
drivers licenses from different states, then discreetly ask if they make
other ‘novelty’ documents.
I find myself taking 10 showers a day; the problem is the shower just
doesn't cut it. I have many, many toys that jiggle, wiggle and tickle, but
to my dismay the thrill has gone away. Now I am finding myself
dreaming of my ex who's gone away, which makes me wetter than the
Niagara Falls.
I have tried women, I have tried men, (many I might add) but they all
seem to fall short of pleasure and it just increases my pressure. I feel
like a balloon that is about ready to pop. Please help me strange
advice lady to find something that's hot.
Can’t Get Enough
Dear Can’t Get Enough;
I feel your pain, sister. What you need to do is stop obsessing over
the old loser and concentrate on finding a new loser. In the
meantime, I recommend the Vibramatic 6000, a Chinese-made
monster that’s guaranteed to take you from 0-60 in less than five
minutes. The only drawback is that it’s gasoline-powered, so you’re
not supposed to use it indoors.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
My life is nearly perfect except for one very big problem--my mother-in-
law. She comes to visit us several times a year for several days at a
time and I’ve tried my best to win her over. But for some reason she
despises me and does nothing but berate me and put me down
whenever we’re in the same room. I’ve tried being sickeningly sweet
to her and she’s still surly. I’ve tried being surly to her and she gets
even surlier.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m almost ready to tell my wife that either
her mother stays at a motel or I do. What should I do?
Stooge-in-Law
Dear Stooge-in-Law;
You shouldn’t have to put up with that crap in your own house. Lucky
for you, every day thousands of people die in household accidents. A
hair dryer falls into a bathtub, a person slips on the stairs and breaks
their neck…what you have to do is arrange for an ‘accident’ to
happen to your mother-in-law. The important thing is that nobody has
any reason to believe that it wasn’t an accident.
I know it seems like a drastic measure and you might be worried that
your wife will actually miss the old bag, but you need to do it for your
own mental health and for the sake of your marriage. Plus, your wife
might inherit something. That should ease the sting.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I’ve been living well above my means for years now and suddenly I
find myself buried under a mountain of debt. I have five different
creditors threatening to garnish my wages and no hope of ever
getting them all paid off. But I’ve been told that new federal laws have
made it nearly impossible to declare bankruptcy and walk away from
your debts. All I want is a fresh start--and maybe one clear credit
card. Is there any hope for me or should I just blow my brains out?
Sinking Fast
Dear Sinking Fast;
I’m not going to say you shouldn’t blow your brains out--I don’t know
you well enough. But you’re right about one thing, you need a fresh
start. If an illegal immigrant can buy a forged birth certificate and
social security card, so can you. I would suggest you go to a
metropolitan city and look for one of those shops that make ‘novelty’
drivers licenses from different states, then discreetly ask if they make
other ‘novelty’ documents.
If you'd like to write to The Strange Advice Lady we
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
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