| This Month's Fictitious Interview |
Karl Rove. This month
we make up an interview
with the Architect, the evil
genius behind George W.
Bush and his new breed
of Reagan Republicans.
Just in time for Halloween.
we make up an interview
with the Architect, the evil
genius behind George W.
Bush and his new breed
of Reagan Republicans.
Just in time for Halloween.
The Strange Times: Let’s get right to the big question; were you behind the leak
of Valerie Plumes identity as a CIA employee?
Karl Rove: I have no recollection of ever doing any such thing. But if I did do it, it
wasn’t illegal.
The Strange Times: Come on. The husband claimed it was you, and a reporter
testified that you told him Ambassador Wilson’s wife was a CIA employee who
arranged his trip to Africa, although you never mentioned her by name.
Karl Rove: Paranoid liberal lunatics with no credibility.
The Strange Times: You’ve run into trouble for leaking stories to the press
before. Isn’t it true you were fired from the 1980 Reagan-Bush Campaign for
leaking information to the press? And again from the elder Bush’s unsuccessful
1992 Campaign?
Karl Rove: I resigned from those campaigns because I was too good. The
jealousy of others created friction that was having a negative effect on the
campaign. Fortunately, George W. Bush appreciates my god-like powers.
The Strange Times: Honestly, you ordered the leak, right? Scooter Libby just
fell on his sword for you.
Karl Rove: The charges against Scooter Libby are bogus and politically
motivated. He didn’t do anything wrong either.
The Strange Times: Have you ever done anything that you consider to be
“wrong?”
Karl Rove: Probably, but I can’t think of any instances.
The Strange Times: How about the time in 1970 when you used a false ID to get
into a Democratic candidate’s campaign headquarters and steal their letterhead.
Then you used it to print up flyers that promised “free beer, free food, girls and
good times for nothing” at their rally.
Karl Rove: That was a youthful indiscretion that I would regret if it wasn’t so damn
funny.
The Strange Times: Is that when you first realized that political dirty tricks were
easy and effective?
Karl Rove: Don’t be ridiculous. All of my “tricks” are legal and ethical.
The Strange Times: Weren’t you accused of being behind push-polls during
Bush’s ‘94 run for Governor, implying that Governor Richards’ administration was
dominated by lesbians? And accused of doing something similar to Senator John
McCain during the 2000 primaries? Not to mention the 2004 campaign, when you
were alleged to be connected to the “Swift Boat Veterans For Truth” and their
questionable attack ads against John Kerry.
Karl Rove: I hear the words “accused” and “alleged,” but I don’t hear the word
“proven.” In this country, unless you’ve been proven to have done something, you
aren’t guilty of doing it.
The Strange Times: Unless you’re accused of being of a terrorist?
Karl Rove: That goes without saying.
The Strange Times: So would you say that your basic philosophy is; it ain’t
wrong as long as you don’t get caught?
Karl Rove: No, I wouldn’t. My philosophy is more like; the good guys must win at
all costs.
The Strange Times: Even if it means breaking the law? The ends justify the
means?
Karl Rove: What’s the law? Just words on paper. They can be interpreted in
different ways.
The Strange Times: Oh-kay. On a different subject; we all know that the
president is fond of using nicknames and he’s referred to you as the Boy Genius
and the Architect, both very complimentary. But he’s also called you Turd Blossom.
Karl Rove: Yeah, that’s some kind of backwoods slang for a flower that grows out
of a pile of dung. He meant it as a compliment but it sure doesn’t sound like one,
so I talked to W about it and he agreed not to call me that anymore. I told him that
whenever he did I was going to reply, “F##k you, p####rwood!” So far I haven’t
had to.
The Strange Times: One last question. Bush can’t run again and Cheney says
he won’t, so what will Karl Rove be doing in 2008?
Karl Rove: I admit I’ve done some thinking about who I would support as the
Republican candidate. It’ll be tough to find a replacement for W. He was the
perfect candidate; just smart enough to seem competent but naive enough to
actually believe his own BS, with folksy charm coming out his wazoo. But I try not
to look to far ahead. Right now we’re trying to help congressional Republicans
keep control. During the month leading up to the election we’ll be polling likely
voters to ask them if they would be more or less likely to vote for a Democratic
candidate if they knew that the Democrats wanted to make homosexuality
mandatory and legalize cannibalism.
of Valerie Plumes identity as a CIA employee?
Karl Rove: I have no recollection of ever doing any such thing. But if I did do it, it
wasn’t illegal.
The Strange Times: Come on. The husband claimed it was you, and a reporter
testified that you told him Ambassador Wilson’s wife was a CIA employee who
arranged his trip to Africa, although you never mentioned her by name.
Karl Rove: Paranoid liberal lunatics with no credibility.
The Strange Times: You’ve run into trouble for leaking stories to the press
before. Isn’t it true you were fired from the 1980 Reagan-Bush Campaign for
leaking information to the press? And again from the elder Bush’s unsuccessful
1992 Campaign?
Karl Rove: I resigned from those campaigns because I was too good. The
jealousy of others created friction that was having a negative effect on the
campaign. Fortunately, George W. Bush appreciates my god-like powers.
The Strange Times: Honestly, you ordered the leak, right? Scooter Libby just
fell on his sword for you.
Karl Rove: The charges against Scooter Libby are bogus and politically
motivated. He didn’t do anything wrong either.
The Strange Times: Have you ever done anything that you consider to be
“wrong?”
Karl Rove: Probably, but I can’t think of any instances.
The Strange Times: How about the time in 1970 when you used a false ID to get
into a Democratic candidate’s campaign headquarters and steal their letterhead.
Then you used it to print up flyers that promised “free beer, free food, girls and
good times for nothing” at their rally.
Karl Rove: That was a youthful indiscretion that I would regret if it wasn’t so damn
funny.
The Strange Times: Is that when you first realized that political dirty tricks were
easy and effective?
Karl Rove: Don’t be ridiculous. All of my “tricks” are legal and ethical.
The Strange Times: Weren’t you accused of being behind push-polls during
Bush’s ‘94 run for Governor, implying that Governor Richards’ administration was
dominated by lesbians? And accused of doing something similar to Senator John
McCain during the 2000 primaries? Not to mention the 2004 campaign, when you
were alleged to be connected to the “Swift Boat Veterans For Truth” and their
questionable attack ads against John Kerry.
Karl Rove: I hear the words “accused” and “alleged,” but I don’t hear the word
“proven.” In this country, unless you’ve been proven to have done something, you
aren’t guilty of doing it.
The Strange Times: Unless you’re accused of being of a terrorist?
Karl Rove: That goes without saying.
The Strange Times: So would you say that your basic philosophy is; it ain’t
wrong as long as you don’t get caught?
Karl Rove: No, I wouldn’t. My philosophy is more like; the good guys must win at
all costs.
The Strange Times: Even if it means breaking the law? The ends justify the
means?
Karl Rove: What’s the law? Just words on paper. They can be interpreted in
different ways.
The Strange Times: Oh-kay. On a different subject; we all know that the
president is fond of using nicknames and he’s referred to you as the Boy Genius
and the Architect, both very complimentary. But he’s also called you Turd Blossom.
Karl Rove: Yeah, that’s some kind of backwoods slang for a flower that grows out
of a pile of dung. He meant it as a compliment but it sure doesn’t sound like one,
so I talked to W about it and he agreed not to call me that anymore. I told him that
whenever he did I was going to reply, “F##k you, p####rwood!” So far I haven’t
had to.
The Strange Times: One last question. Bush can’t run again and Cheney says
he won’t, so what will Karl Rove be doing in 2008?
Karl Rove: I admit I’ve done some thinking about who I would support as the
Republican candidate. It’ll be tough to find a replacement for W. He was the
perfect candidate; just smart enough to seem competent but naive enough to
actually believe his own BS, with folksy charm coming out his wazoo. But I try not
to look to far ahead. Right now we’re trying to help congressional Republicans
keep control. During the month leading up to the election we’ll be polling likely
voters to ask them if they would be more or less likely to vote for a Democratic
candidate if they knew that the Democrats wanted to make homosexuality
mandatory and legalize cannibalism.
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