| Faux News |
| We can't be bothered with research so we just make these stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN. |
President Unveils Bold New Plan to Combat Domestic Terrorism
President Bush held a press conference today to talk about his
administration’s sweeping new policies regarding Americans who give
aid and comfort to terrorists. According to Bush, it has always been his
contention that “if you’re not for us, you’re against us.” He further
explained, “When people bad-mouth our policies regarding the war on
terror, they’re helping the terrorists. We’re not going to put up with it
anymore. From now on they’ll be arrested and charged with conspiring
to help terrorists kill God-fearing Americans. Same thing if they bad-
mouth the commander-in-chief. I’m the damn president, I shouldn’t
have to put up with that stuff. What good is being the leader of the free
world if you can‘t even throw your enemies in jail?”
When a reporter asked if these new rules didn’t violate the First
Amendment, Bush snapped, “That goes for you people in the press too,
and it includes criticizing this new policy!”
Reagan Memorial May Be Built in D.C.
A group of politicians and citizens is seeking to build a memorial to
Ronald Reagan on a site in the same vicinity as the city’s other
presidential memorials. A spokesman for the group, Lester Pike, told
the press, “Sure, Washington and Jefferson helped found this country,
but what have they done for us lately? Lincoln might have freed the
slaves, but he didn’t even serve out his full two terms. Ronald Reagan
taught us what it means to be a true conservative, that the rich should
be left to do whatever they like and the poor could fend for themselves.
Most importantly, though, he defeated the evil Soviet Union and won the
cold war, ending the threat that they might spread communism
throughout the globe and leaving us free to spread democracy
throughout the globe.”
An artist’s depiction of the planned memorial shows a ten foot tall
marble statue of Reagan kicking a smaller statue of Leonid Brezhnev in
the butt.
Rumsfeld Defends Prisoner Policies
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld spoke to the press today to
defend the Bush administration’s policies regarding prisoners of the war
on terrorism. The secretary stressed that “sometimes we have to
torture and kill our enemies in order to defend the democratic principles
of freedom and liberty. We have to win this war on terrorism, no matter
what it takes. Even if I have to beat my own grandmother with a rubber
hose. Again.” He went on to say, “Most of these prisoners come from
countries that have no concept of human rights anyway, so it’s not like
they’re not used to it. If we didn’t torture them a little they would
probably laugh in our faces and call us pansies.”
Vigilante Celebrities Stalking Paparazzi
According to an anonymous source within the Los Angeles Police
Department, a group of self-described “Celebrivantes” have been
stalking and killing some of the cities most brazen paparazzi. In at least
one case the outlaw group set a trap by leaking a story that Angelina
Jolie was scheduled to arrive at a particular store with her children. But
when the limo pulled up, it was a car bomb. The fiery explosion killed
eight photographers instantly, fatally wounded three more and seriously
injured five. In other incidents the celebrity photographers have been
run down by a Humvee with dark tinted windows and sprayed with
machine gun fire from the windows of a vintage Bentley.
Police have recovered more than thirty-five thousand photos that were
taken during the commission of the crimes and so far they have
identified five suspected celebrities; Madonna, Mel Gibson, Russell
Crowe, Britney Spears and, for some reason, Danny Bonaducci.
When approached for comment outside a local restaurant, Mel Gibson
opened fire on the reporter and his cameraman, who managed to
escape with minor injuries because they had the foresight to wear flak
jackets. Since then the press has been laying low on this one.
Laura Bush To Lead “Project Nice”
First Lady Laura Bush, apparently tired of being looked on as “just a
wife” after former first ladies with stronger images such as Hillary
Clinton, Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan, has announced that she will
lead a brand new nationwide campaign called “Project Nice.” The
stated purpose will be to promote good manners and civility throughout
the country.
“I will personally appear in a number of public service announcements,
gently reminding young Americans to mind their P’s and Q’s.” Mrs.
Bush explained. “We will also be encouraging schools to add an
etiquette class to their regular curriculum. We believe that through a
concerted effort we can make visible inroads against rudeness and ill
manners within a couple of years.”
Bill Clinton Confides He Doesn’t Want His Wife To Be President
Former President Bill Clinton reportedly confided to an unnamed source
that he hopes his wife Hillary never becomes president. He is said to
have stated, “I want my career in government service to end with
president, not first lady. Or first gentleman, whatever. How gay does
that sound? As a former president I get more tail than I know what to do
with, but I can’t imagine the babes putting out for a “first gentleman.”
They’d probably just want to swap recipes or something.”
When pressed further the former president said, “I try to be supportive
of her career. Whenever I’m asked I always say what a great president
she would be. And she would be, I guess--she couldn’t do any worse
than Bush, anyway. Maybe I’m being a little selfish, but I’m just afraid
the whole thing would interfere with my sex life.”
President Bush held a press conference today to talk about his
administration’s sweeping new policies regarding Americans who give
aid and comfort to terrorists. According to Bush, it has always been his
contention that “if you’re not for us, you’re against us.” He further
explained, “When people bad-mouth our policies regarding the war on
terror, they’re helping the terrorists. We’re not going to put up with it
anymore. From now on they’ll be arrested and charged with conspiring
to help terrorists kill God-fearing Americans. Same thing if they bad-
mouth the commander-in-chief. I’m the damn president, I shouldn’t
have to put up with that stuff. What good is being the leader of the free
world if you can‘t even throw your enemies in jail?”
When a reporter asked if these new rules didn’t violate the First
Amendment, Bush snapped, “That goes for you people in the press too,
and it includes criticizing this new policy!”
Reagan Memorial May Be Built in D.C.
A group of politicians and citizens is seeking to build a memorial to
Ronald Reagan on a site in the same vicinity as the city’s other
presidential memorials. A spokesman for the group, Lester Pike, told
the press, “Sure, Washington and Jefferson helped found this country,
but what have they done for us lately? Lincoln might have freed the
slaves, but he didn’t even serve out his full two terms. Ronald Reagan
taught us what it means to be a true conservative, that the rich should
be left to do whatever they like and the poor could fend for themselves.
Most importantly, though, he defeated the evil Soviet Union and won the
cold war, ending the threat that they might spread communism
throughout the globe and leaving us free to spread democracy
throughout the globe.”
An artist’s depiction of the planned memorial shows a ten foot tall
marble statue of Reagan kicking a smaller statue of Leonid Brezhnev in
the butt.
Rumsfeld Defends Prisoner Policies
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld spoke to the press today to
defend the Bush administration’s policies regarding prisoners of the war
on terrorism. The secretary stressed that “sometimes we have to
torture and kill our enemies in order to defend the democratic principles
of freedom and liberty. We have to win this war on terrorism, no matter
what it takes. Even if I have to beat my own grandmother with a rubber
hose. Again.” He went on to say, “Most of these prisoners come from
countries that have no concept of human rights anyway, so it’s not like
they’re not used to it. If we didn’t torture them a little they would
probably laugh in our faces and call us pansies.”
Vigilante Celebrities Stalking Paparazzi
According to an anonymous source within the Los Angeles Police
Department, a group of self-described “Celebrivantes” have been
stalking and killing some of the cities most brazen paparazzi. In at least
one case the outlaw group set a trap by leaking a story that Angelina
Jolie was scheduled to arrive at a particular store with her children. But
when the limo pulled up, it was a car bomb. The fiery explosion killed
eight photographers instantly, fatally wounded three more and seriously
injured five. In other incidents the celebrity photographers have been
run down by a Humvee with dark tinted windows and sprayed with
machine gun fire from the windows of a vintage Bentley.
Police have recovered more than thirty-five thousand photos that were
taken during the commission of the crimes and so far they have
identified five suspected celebrities; Madonna, Mel Gibson, Russell
Crowe, Britney Spears and, for some reason, Danny Bonaducci.
When approached for comment outside a local restaurant, Mel Gibson
opened fire on the reporter and his cameraman, who managed to
escape with minor injuries because they had the foresight to wear flak
jackets. Since then the press has been laying low on this one.
Laura Bush To Lead “Project Nice”
First Lady Laura Bush, apparently tired of being looked on as “just a
wife” after former first ladies with stronger images such as Hillary
Clinton, Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan, has announced that she will
lead a brand new nationwide campaign called “Project Nice.” The
stated purpose will be to promote good manners and civility throughout
the country.
“I will personally appear in a number of public service announcements,
gently reminding young Americans to mind their P’s and Q’s.” Mrs.
Bush explained. “We will also be encouraging schools to add an
etiquette class to their regular curriculum. We believe that through a
concerted effort we can make visible inroads against rudeness and ill
manners within a couple of years.”
Bill Clinton Confides He Doesn’t Want His Wife To Be President
Former President Bill Clinton reportedly confided to an unnamed source
that he hopes his wife Hillary never becomes president. He is said to
have stated, “I want my career in government service to end with
president, not first lady. Or first gentleman, whatever. How gay does
that sound? As a former president I get more tail than I know what to do
with, but I can’t imagine the babes putting out for a “first gentleman.”
They’d probably just want to swap recipes or something.”
When pressed further the former president said, “I try to be supportive
of her career. Whenever I’m asked I always say what a great president
she would be. And she would be, I guess--she couldn’t do any worse
than Bush, anyway. Maybe I’m being a little selfish, but I’m just afraid
the whole thing would interfere with my sex life.”
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