little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
I’m a woman in my early thirties and all of my friends and family think
that I’m a perfect wife and mother as well as a successful
businesswoman. But I’ve been keeping a deep, dark secret. For ten
years now (I’ve been married for seven) I’ve been working as a high
priced call girl. I tell people I’m a physical therapist for stressed-out
executives, which isn’t completely untrue. My husband once remarked
that I must be extremely good to get five hundred dollars an hour and I
almost choked.
The thing is I’ve been starting to feel a little guilty about it. I only see a
few clients a week these days, but we would definitely miss the income.
What do you think? Should I start looking for a straight job?
Middle-Class Prostitute
Dear Middle-Class Prostitute;
Hey, we’re all getting screwed by corporate America--at least you’re
getting paid for it. But seriously, you have nothing to be ashamed of. If
people knew what you were doing they might call you a whore, and
technically they’d be right. But you’ve simply found a way to make a
good living using your natural attributes. (Or surgically enhanced
attributes--whichever the case may be.)
I suggest you just keep doing what you’re doing until it comes time to
retire. My guess is that you probably don’t have more than a few years
left before you have to drastically reduce your rates and start
accepting a less well-heeled clientele if you want to stay in business.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I have been happily married for five years to a wonderful man--with one
small exception. His snoring. He actually rattles the windows. I haven’t
had a good night’s sleep since we married and I’m beginning to go
insane. I’ve tried sleeping in another room but there’s no escape in the
entire house. Even earplugs don’t do the trick. Please help me!
Sleeping With the Jackhammer
Dear Sleeping With the Jackhammer;
There’s basically two types of loud snorers. The first type snores
through their nose and that’s an easy fix. Simply wait until he’s sound
asleep and squirt about a quarter ounce of super glue up each nostril.
Problem solved--he’ll have to breath through his mouth from now on.
Mouth snorers are more problematic. Some of them only snore when
they sleep on their backs because their tongues fall back against their
throat. You probably won’t want to cut out his tongue, but if this is the
case you might be able to train him not to sleep on his back by gently
shocking him with a taser or cattle prod whenever he starts to snore.
If he continues to snore through his mouth even when sleeping on his
back or side there might be a surgical solution. Surgery is always risky,
of course, but if nothing else at least you’ll get some sleep while he’s in
the hospital. If none of these suggestions work I would suggest
investing in a sound-proof room (or closet) for him to sleep in.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I’ve had a terrible problem that has plagued me my entire life. Because
of a glandular problem I have awful body odor all the time and I can’t do
anything about it. I’ve tried every kind of deodorant and perfume to
hide it but they only seem to make it worse. You can’t imagine the
insults and mean jokes I’ve had to endure, and the horrible looks I get
every time I ride the bus or the subway. What should I so?
Smelly Kelly
Dear Smelly Kelly;
Stop using public transportation. I think I’ve sat next to you once or
twice.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
Page