fictional interview is with
the former U.S.
Representative from
Florida who is
Washington’s current
poster boy for aberrant
sexual behavior.
were a poplar congressman sailing toward re-election and now you’ve resigned
under the most disgraceful conditions possible. Never mind that your gay--that’s
none of our business--but why come on to high school students who are working as
congressional pages?
Mark Foley: I am not a pedophile--I never had relations with anybody who was
underage. But I would meet these lovely young men and maybe flirt with them a
little bit and see if any might be interested in a date after they turned eighteen.
See what’s coming on the market.
The Strange Times: You were sending these young boys explicit e-mails and
instant messages while you were chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and
Exploited Children. Don’t you think you were exploiting these boys who were
working as mere pages while you are a powerful congressman?
Mark Foley: I didn’t do anything illegal, but unethical and immoral…yes. As a
God-fearing Republican I know that homosexuality is wrong. But I was unable to
control my evil impulses because of my alcoholism.
The Strange Times: And the fact that you were once molested by a clergyman?
Mark Foley: Yes, that too. You see, I’m actually the victim here. If it wasn’t for my
past abuse and the hold of the demon alcohol I would be able to control my evil
impulses. Plus these guys were really hot.
The Strange Times: So then why resign? You’ve been to rehab, so you’re cured,
right?
Mark Foley: Of the alcoholism, sure. Now I only drink at social occasions. But I’m
still technically a homosexual, although I am working on that. And you can’t be a
known homosexual and a conservative Republican, because we hate homosexuals.
The Strange Times: You’re trying to cure your homosexuality?
Mark Foley: I don’t know if that’s possible. Maybe someday. But I can learn to
control my evil impulses and live my life as a normal, heterosexual man.
The Strange Times: What about the demands that others should resign because
they knew about the e-mails and didn’t do anything about it until the press got a
hold of them, such as Hastert, Alexander and Boehner?
Mark Foley: Those guys didn’t mind it when I was part of their voting bloc, but
they didn’t want to know anything about my being gay. It was strictly “don’t ask, don’
t tell.” The last thing those guys wanted was a scandal involving a gay Republican
and congressional pages, so of course they did their best to keep a lid on it. They
would tell me to knock it off, but they were too embarrassed to actually say what I
was supposed to stop doing. But I just couldn’t resist--
The Strange Times: The evil impulses?
Mark Foley: Exactly. And the tight pants.
The Strange Times: So what does the future hold for Mark Foley?
Mark Foley: For now, I’ll continue to work on learning to control my
homosexuality. I’m forming a support group of young, attractive gay men--all of
legal age of consent--so we can help each other in learning to control our evil
impulses.
The Strange Times: Sounds like a plan.
Mark Foley: If you’re interested in joining…
The Strange Times: Thanks, but I like vagina.
Mark Foley: Lucky you.
The Strange Times: One last question. If you had it to do over again, what would
you do differently?
Mark Foley: Stick to using the telephone. Recording your phone call without your
knowledge is still a crime in most states. No evidence, no scandal.
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