stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier
than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN.
In a last-ditch effort to shore up support for Republican candidates
President Bush spoke to a large crowd of supporters in Florida today and
gave them an ominous warning. “I don’t want to alarm anybody, but
thanks to our Republican leadership we have been kept safe from attack
since 9/11. Without that Republican leadership, you’re all dead meat.”
Bush was in Florida trying to drum up support for Republican
congressional candidate Joe Negron, who is fighting an uphill battle
against his Democratic opponent, Tim Mahoney. A win for Negron seems
particularly unlikely because in order to vote for him the voters will have
to check the name of Mark Foley, a Republican who recently resigned
from congress after it was revealed that he was writing dirty e-mails to
high school boys who worked as congressional pages.
Bush went on to say, “I don’t want to scare you folks, but it’s a scary
thing. The Democrats just can’t defend us from danger. They’re too
liberal to understand that we have to kill them before they kill us. Without
overstating the danger, I think I can safely say that if the Democrats take
control of either house of congress, possibly as many as fifty percent of
you will be killed by our enemies within the first year.”
New Organization to Defend Vegetables Rights
A brand new organization called Protect All Plant-life (PAP) has formed to
lobby for the humane treatment of all forms of vegetation. Its founder
and chairman, Lester Plankton, held a press conference where he told
reporters what led him to start PAP. “I used to belong to PETA, where
almost all of the members claim to be vegetarians or vegans. I just find
the whole concept so horrifying--innocent plant life peacefully growing
and enjoying the sun and the rain, until humans come along and pull
them from the only home they’ve ever known. Sometimes they even peel
off their skin before they chop them, boil them, maybe even shred them.
This inhumane slaughter has got to stop.”
Since he opposes eating animals or vegetables, Plankton was asked
what that leaves us to eat. He replied, “We should take our cue from our
vegetable brothers. We can get all the necessary nutrients from the
soil.” Then he produced a large jar with a label that read, “Plankton’s
Human Food.” He explained that it was 100% mud, pasteurized and
fortified with all of the vitamins, nutrients and calories that a human needs
to survive. Plus artificial flavorings. “This one tastes like turkey with
gravy.”
New Break-Through in Cosmetic Surgery: Helium-Filled Breast
Implants
Dr. Harvey Carver, a respected cosmetic surgeon, announced today that
he has successfully performed a radical new procedure on human
volunteers with astounding success. “We implanted helium-filled sacs.
Not only do the breasts stand up better, but they actually make the
patient a little lighter. No more backaches from carrying around those
giant fun pillows.”
The patient has to return for monthly injections of fresh helium, but one
patient who was willing to be interviewed, exotic dancer Crissy Sin, said
that the inconvenience was a small price to pay. “I’ve got these giant
jugs that are actually lighter than air. It’s incredible. Even when I’m lying
on my back they’re standing right up like they want to float away.”
Vatican City Tests Nuclear Device
The Vatican City in Italy has reportedly tested a nuclear device and are
near completion of their first ICBM. This holy city, the capitol of
Catholicism, is considered to be an independent sovereign state for
some purposes. When reached for comment spokes-Cardinal Geoffrey
Patton issued a statement that read in part, “We have long been lagging
behind the other major religions in the nuclear arms race. The Jewish
nation has them, some of the Muslim nations have them, the Hindus have
them, and now even the Buddhists for Christ’s sake. In this age of
religious tensions we can’t be the only one left without a nuclear
deterrent.”
Carnivorous Turkeys Overrun Kentucky
In a nightmarish science experiment gone wrong, thousands of
bloodthirsty meat-eating turkeys have taken over the Kentucky
countryside. They were genetically engineered as a way to control the
population of rodents and other small pests on farms. Then scientists
decided that several of the birds working together could take down a
coyote or mountain lion, so they made them bigger, stronger, smarter,
and gave them a pack mentality.
Then, according to Professor Dale Arhart, the sole survivor of the initial
massacre at the government laboratory farm that has come to be known
as Mutant Acres, “We lost control. They staged an uprising and killed
everybody before escaping into the woods. I only survived by hiding in a
grain bin. They won’t go near the stuff.”
The National Guard has been called in by the Governor, who is
reportedly cowering in an underground bunker. But so far the marauding
poultry has proven to be elusive. Striking randomly at isolated farms,
they have devoured livestock, pets and people all over the state.
Vice President Cheney Shoots Pizza Delivery Man
Local sheriff’s deputy Lyle Cox reports that Vice President Dick Cheney
recently shot to death a pizza delivery man from Domino’s who was at his
Wyoming ranch attempting to deliver an order of fifty pizzas. The Vice
President told deputies that he didn’t order any pizzas, so when he saw
the man outside his home he could only assume that “he was a terrorist
or possibly a drug addict. So I did what I had to do to protect my home
and my family.” Although he was apparently home alone at the time of
the shooting and possibly drinking brandy.
Deputy Cox stated, “This is apparently another senseless death caused
by a careless prankster. No charges will be filed, unless we can find out
who ordered those pizzas and sent this poor man to his death.” The FBI
has gotten involved in the investigation and has learned that the order
was placed from a pay phone in downtown Manhattan, New York. They’
ve taken the phone to a lab where they are sorting through the
thousands of fingerprints in an attempt to find possible suspects.
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