little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
I’m a 25 year old woman who came to New York City 3 years ago
seeking fame and fortune. Unfortunately, I fell in with a hard-partying
crowd and to make a long story short I ended up addicted to heroin.
For the past year I’ve been whoring myself out support my habit.
Yesterday the cops busted down the door of my apartment and
arrested my pimp. Now he’s locked up for killing one of the other
girls. My question is; where can I find another pimp that will trade
smack for sex?
Needs a Fix
Dear Needs a Fix:
Go to the corner of 137th and Lex and you’ll see a place called Sol’s
Deli. Parked in the street out front will be a white Lincoln Towncar
with dark tinted windows. Knock on the back window and ask for Jo
Jo.
Dear Strange Advice Lady:
I could not believe the advice you gave last month to End Of My
Rope. He was considering suicide and you advised him to make it a
murder-suicide by getting a gun and going on a rampage first, taking
everybody who had ever wronged him along.
But you never made any mention of the fact that when you go on a
murder rampage a silencer is your best friend. You don’t want your
first shots to be heard for a mile around or the cops will be on you in
no time and you won’t finish your task.
There are many after-market devices that can be purchased for this
purpose, some very reasonably priced. If you don’t have the money
to spend you can learn about using everyday household items to
muffle the blast at www.silentkiller.com.
Just Trying to Help
Dear Just Trying to Help:
Mea Culpa, you are absolutely right. Like they say, “If they don’t hear
the shots they won’t call the cops.”
Dear Strange Advice Lady:
I am an inmate serving ten years for aggravated assault at a state
correctional facility. (I am innocent, by the way. It was self-defense--
my mother hit me first.) The thing is, I’ve gotten engaged to a woman
on the outside after we met through one of those “pen pal” services.
Me and “Susie” are planning to get married next month in the prison
chapel, because it’ll look real good to the parole board in a couple of
years if I have a family waiting for me.
Only Susie doesn’t know it, but I’m already sort of married to my
cellmate “Hugo.” He’s a very big guy and he made me his bitch the
very first night I was thrown into a cell with him. I’ve been told that the
common-law marriage law in this state is very stringent, so I’m
concerned. Am I legally married to Hugo? Could I be charged with
bigamy if I married Susie? I don’t want to do anything that will mess
up my parole.
Concerned Con
Dear Concerned Con:
Not to worry. While it’s true that your state has a very strict common-
law marriage statute, it also doesn’t recognize same-sex unions,
common-law or otherwise. Since your relationship with Hugo has no
legal recognition they can’t possibly charge you with bigamy. So just
relax and enjoy your big day.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
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