Ten Bad Commercials
year watching, listening to and looking at advertisements?
Enough time to read War and Peace from cover to cover.
Okay, we just made that up, but it sounded good. The
point is, this wouldn't be such a terrible problem if it
weren't for the fact that most of these commercials are so
incredibly awful and the people bringing them to us don't
seem to know it. So we're here to tell them with another
list of ten commercials that really suck.
insoles are so comfortable you’ll smile like an idiot and speak only in
sentences that rhyme with gellin’. In our opinion that’s far too high a
price to pay just to coddle your dogs.
#2 Burger King. They’ve hit a new low with their bizarre Big
Buckin’ Chicken ad, featuring cowboys riding on and being chased
by a giant chicken. Near as we can figure it’s some kind of
Brokeback Mountain thing. It must be the preferred sandwich of gay
cowboys.
#3 Axe Body Spray. First they convince us that their body spray
will make the women so hot they’ll tackle us in the grocery store. But
unfortunately, not all of the women you attract are going to look like
the models on TV. So now they have Order of the Serpentine
(nothing suggestive about that name), which is some kind of cult-like
product that claims it will wash away the shame of a “questionable
hook-up.” Apparently they want to get you coming and going.
#4 Washington Mutual. They have this ad for some internet thing
called WaMu where they have a bunch of stereotypical bankers in a
pen. The man asks them if they should offer terrific benefits to their
customers and the bankers all say “No way!“ so they know it’s a
good idea. While keeping bankers in a pen and treating them like
lab animals seems like a good idea on the surface, there must be
drawbacks. What we want to know is, “Are we really supposed to
believe that the bankers running their bank aren’t pretty much the
same as the bankers running all of the other banks?”
#5 Pepto Bismal. First they assault us with that horrible Macarena-
type song. Then they add insult to injury with their ad for children’s
Pepto Bismal, featuring a similar song performed by junior ballerinas
at some sort of dance recital. But their latest, a hip-hop version of
the original song, is definitely the last straw. Our opinion: Nobody
over the age of thirteen should be singing a song that has the word
diarrhea in it. And they absolutely shouldn’t be doing a little dance
that goes with it.
#6 Applebees. To promote their Shrimp Sensations they have two
guys standing in the water on a beach, playing guitar and singing a
lame song to the tune of the Gilligan’s Island theme. It made us wish
for high tide.
#7 Musinex. This is a good example of a whole class of bad
commercials, ads for medications that turn our ailments, body parts
or bacteria into cute little cartoon characters. This one is among the
worst though, because the characters are big fat blobs of snot.
#8 Milky Way. This commercial is just bizarre. A man is sitting in
his car and opens his Milky Way candy bar. But instead of a candy
bar the wrapper contains a tiny oriental prostitute who says, “Why so
blue Panda Bear? Me love you long time.” Okay, she doesn’t really
say “me love you long time” but she might as well.
#9 Doublemint Twins Mints. Those blonde twin girls that hawk
their gum are creepy enough in a “Village of the Damned” sort of
way. But the people in the commercial for their mints, with their
goofy smiles and moronic song, could only be the victims of some
terrible mind-control experiment gone horribly wrong.
#10 Chex Mix. People are milling about the airport terminal when
the airline lady gets on her microphone and makes an
announcement about how great Chex Mix is and then gets the crowd
started chanting “snack on.” The thing is, we don’t think that in the
current climate that behavior would be tolerated in an airport. What
you don’t see is a moment later when uniformed soldiers rush in and
start knocking the chanting people to the ground and shackling
them. Then they’ll be dragged off to military cargo plane for the
flight to Guantamano Bay where they’ll be held indefinitely after our
intelligence sources misinterpret “snack on” to be the Arabic words
for “Death to America.”
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