stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier
than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN.
Hundreds of Scientologists took to the streets of Los Angeles in a
demonstration that quickly turned violent after celebrity member Isaac
Hayes was arrested and allegedly beaten by police. It started out as
an impromptu protest of an episode of the South Park cartoon show
that made fun of their religion and Hayes, a former cast member of the
show.
After the rioting broke out Tom Cruise was filmed by his ever-present
paparazzi firing a flare gun into storefronts. When reached later for
comment he said, “I don’t believe in censorship, especially when some
prude doesn’t see the artistic value of the nudity or swear words in one
of my films. But when they start ridiculing our religious beliefs,
somebody needs to make them shut the f##k up.”
There were also reports that John Travolta and Danny Masterson of
“The 70’s Show” were seen helping a crowd of crazed Scientologists
overturn a police car.
Ryan Seacrest Getting Married To Prove He Isn’t Gay
According to a source the American Idol host is preparing to get
married in an effort to end speculation that he is gay. The bride’s
identity is not yet known, but it’s believed that her mother is friends with
Seacrest’s mother and they introduced them.
When reached for comment Seacrest said, “Of course I’m getting
married to a woman, but it’s not to prove anything. It’s because I love
women and their vaginas. I don’t even know why anyone would ever
suggest I was gay, I’m actually a very macho man. I was in the navy
and I work out regularly at the YMCA.”
Bush To Visit Japan On Quest To Show Up His Father
The White House announced that President Bush will be visiting Japan
this summer. However, there is apparently no official purpose for the
trip, other than Bush’s continuing quest to show up his father.
The President confided to our source, “Dad always thought I was the
good-for-nothing dummy of the family that would never amount to
anything. He didn’t say it to my face, but I knew. But now I’ve been
succeeding where he failed; I got re-elected, I took out Sadaam once
and for all, and now I’m going to have an official dinner in Japan
without blowing chunks all over the Prime Minister. So who’s the
dummy now?”
When reached for comment the elder George Bush remarked,
“George was never the brightest bulb or even particularly ambitious,
but he has a lot of that good old boy charm and a whole lot of attitude.
But he’s still the dummy, even Bar will tell you. History will say I did a
better job.”
John Kerry says, “I will run again”
2004 Democratic Presidential Candidate John Kerry confided to our
confidential source that he intends to run for President again in 2008.
He reportedly said, “Who else do the Democrats have? Hillary
Clinton? She has plenty of name recognition but let’s face it, the
country isn’t ready for a chick President.”
On another occasion the former Senator was heard to remark,
“Support for the Republican’s policies is plummeting. All we have to do
is give the people a viable candidate and the Presidential election is
ours to win. Even I could win it.”
Justice Department Plans Public Executions
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales held a press conference to
announce that the Justice Department has gained approval for a plan
to publicly execute those who are found to take part in a terrorist plot
that results in the death of Americans. “What we want to do is to hang
them, or better yet--behead them, in a public place with a live audience
of at least several thousand, plus a live television audience. We’ve
always stated that one of the reasons for the death penalty is
deterrence. What better deterrent than to actually see what’s going to
happen to them? Plus our citizens will get the satisfaction of getting to
them killed.”
When asked if this new policy didn’t make us look a lot like countries
we have condemned, like Iran, North Korea and Iraq under Saddam
Hussein, Gonzales replied, “Absolutely not. They do what they do in
the name of tyranny while we do it in the name of liberty and freedom.
We’re exact opposites.”
He also said they would like to display the heads of the executed
terrorists on pikes for a number of days after they were executed, but
that may require Congressional approval.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld Defends His Management Style
Donald Rumsfeld, apparently stung by the criticism of a number of
retired generals who suggested he should be replaced, struck back
this week in a statement, saying “I couldn’t believe these old soldiers
were whining about my overbearing management style. These guys
joined the army back in the day when we could still kick new recruit’s
asses when they needed it. I haven’t even hit one single person since
I’ve been appointed Defense Secretary. I think that makes me a
regular sweetheart. If they think I was an a#####e before--just wait!”
Rumsfeld stated that he absolutely would not step down and when he
was asked if he was concerned that he might be fired, he replied, “That’
s not gonna happen. Not many people know this, but President Bush
suffers from ignoraminaphobia, an irrational fear of admitting that you
were wrong. Firing me would be like saying that he was wrong to
appoint me in the first place. He’s simply not capable of doing
something like that.”
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