custodian who was emptying a wastebasket one day when he noticed a
well-worn little notebook with the initials G.B. written boldly on the
cover. Some say it’s a long-lost diary that the first President Bush used
to record his innermost thoughts during his White House years. Others
say it’s an obvious hoax. We offer you some excerpts and let you be
the judge.
as his V.P. They made it clear that I would be expected to support all of his
positions, some of which are a little loony tunes, but it’s still a chance I couldn’t
pass up, my best chance of becoming President. When I met with Reagan in his
hotel room he didn’t have any makeup on and he already looked like a corpse.
No way he’ll ever run for re-election, he’ll be lucky to make it through one term.
August 10, 1980-- I think Reagan’s people might have chosen me for my CIA
connections. There’s some concern that the Iranians might let the hostages go
before the election and Carter’s popularity will rise. So I’m leading a little team
to a secret meeting in Paris with some leaders of the revolutionaries, which was
arranged by some old friends at the Agency. We’re going to try to make a deal
with them; if they hold onto the hostages until Reagan’s inauguration, we’ll
arrange to secretly sell them some high-tech weapons later on. I’m pretty sure
they’ll go for it, but I feel kind of bad for the Americans that are going to have to
spend those extra months in captivity. Oh well, sacrifices have to be made if it
means getting the liberals out of the White House.
November 4, 1980-- WE WON!!! I almost can’t believe that I’m actually the
Vice President of the United States. I doubt that old Ronnie even knows yet, he’
s usually out every night by 9:00 at the latest. Half the time I’m not sure he
would even know who he’s talking to anyway if Nancy wasn’t there to whisper
their name in his ear. I’ll say this for him though, he has this folksy charm about
him that the masses just seem to eat up.
March 30, 1981-- When I heard today that Reagan was shot I thought for sure
that this was it, the Presidency is mine. But the old geezer pulled through it like
a trooper. I couldn’t believe it. At his age you’d think just the sound of the
gunfire would finish him off.
February 1, 1983-- In Reagan’s big speech yesterday he vowed to “stay the
course” with his program of big tax cuts and huge military expenditures in the
face of record deficits. I’m not sure which of these idiots are running the show
around here, they don’t really tell me anything anymore, but it doesn’t take a
genius to figure out that it isn’t sound economic policy to cut taxes and run up
huge debts.
March 23, 1983-- Today Reagan unveiled his big plan to create a nationwide
missile defense system, apparently satellite-based lasers that will shoot down
incoming ICBMs, that they’re calling Star Wars. Probably because it’s as much a
fantasy as the movie by the same name. It sounds to me like multi-billion dollar
rat hole.
October 27, 1983-- The invasion of Grenada went beautifully. We only lost a
couple of dozen soldiers and most of them were killed in accidents rather than
by enemy fire. Everybody always said that Reagan would find us a winnable war
and I’ll be damned if he didn’t. We can finally put Viet Nam behind us. I was
thinking it might be funny to dress up as Castro for Halloween.
October 8, 1984-- I couldn’t believe it when the old coot decided to run for re-
election, and after his poor performance against Mondale in last night’s debate it
seems like the rest of the country is starting to wonder about it too. He’s
personable as all get out, and he can give a great speech if it’s all written out for
him (he sometimes refers to speeches as his script), but he doesn’t think too
fast on his feet. I swear to God he’s a few cards short of full deck.
July 15, 1985-- Reagan underwent surgery to have some polyps removed. It
was pretty routine, but at his age any surgery is risky. Wouldn’t you know it,
though--he came through it like a champ. Oh well, I don’t want to be too much of
a ghoul. I can wait three more years for my chance to be top banana.
November 26, 1986-- Oliver North was fired today and John Poindexter
resigned over the Iran-Contra thing. Apparently they were involved with selling
the Iranians the weapons we promised them and then they funneled the
proceeds to the Nicaraguan Contra fighters after Congress voted to cut them
off. I’m not worried though, I didn’t even really know those guys. My only
involvement was with making the original deal with Iran, and us former CIA guys
don’t leave evidence behind.
November 8, 1988-- YES!!! I WON!!! I am now the President of the United
States of America. Commander in Chief. Head Honcho. Numero Uno. The Big
Cheese.
June 5, 1989-- Today the Chinese slaughtered two thousand of their own
people who were peacefully demonstrating in Tiananmen Square so I
suspended arms sales to China. They won’t be shooting any more people with
American-made guns. At least not brand-new ones. At least not for the time
being.
December 20, 1989-- Today we invaded Panama to arrest Manuel Noriega for
a drug-trafficking warrant that we had issued by a Florida court. We didn’t mind
his drug trafficking when he was helping us--hell, when I was CIA Director we
used to use cocaine for currency when we operated in Central and South
America. But he started to act like Panama was HIS country when it’s actually
OUR country, so he had to be taken out.
June 26, 1990-- Today I gave my public support for a bill that raises taxes and
my enemies are making a big deal about me going back on something I said on
the campaign trail about “read my lips--no new taxes.” I think that in the long
run, though, people will realize it was for the best. The time has come for fiscal
responsibility.
August 2, 1990-- I was stunned today when Sadaam invaded Kuwait. After all
we did for him while he was fighting Iran. When he started massing troops at the
border I thought okay, he’s flexing his muscles because he’s mad at them for
refusing to forgive his war debt. Maybe he’ll take over some of the oilfields near
his border. We could have let that slide. But this? Sorry, Saddam.
February 28, 1991-- Today I declared victory and ended offensive operations
in Iraq after our ground forces routed the Iraqis in Kuwait and southern Iraq.
There were some in my administration who were adamant that we should
continue the attack until we have Saddam’s unconditional surrender, but I had to
agree with those who thought that taking out Sadaam would leave a power
vacuum and we’d be refereeing civil wars for years, possibly decades to come.
If anybody did rise to power it would probably be the Islamic radicals. Anyway,
the important thing is that we kicked ass in our first major conflict since Viet Nam
and I should be able to just coast on my popularity to re-election.
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