| Ask The Strange Advice Lady |
If You're looking for a
little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I am a post operative transsexual who has a good, steady job playing "the
bearded lady" in a traveling carnival (the hormones did NOTHING to stop the
damn thing from growing, but it's paid off). I'm exclusively dating "Bobo," the
dwarf who acts as the ringmaster of the show.
Or so I thought. I suspect he's sleeping around with the elastic lady. He's
always going on about how "flexible" she is. The thing is, he's incredibly
well-hung for a little guy and it's tough for a lady with a full beard to get a date.
What should I do? Send him packing or grin and bare it?
Lady With a Beard Down South
Dear Lady With a Beard;
The first thing you need to do, girl, is start shaving your face clean every
morning and double up on the estrogen. If you want to be a chick you've got to
walk the walk and talk the talk. Maybe you could talk your boss into giving you
a more "girlie" job, like luring suckers into playing the Midway games.
As for your boyfriend, first of all let me say that I have nothing against dating
little people. I toured with Ringling as a clown for a couple of seasons (tip: wear
a long dress that he can hide under in public places). You say you suspect
he's cheating, but are you sure or are you just paranoid? That's why God
created private detectives. When you have the photographic evidence in hand,
you should have a long talk with him about fidelity.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I am a 21 year old male who is graduating from college this spring and getting
married this summer. I have been dating my wife-to-be, Julie, since we were
juniors in high school and we decided a long time ago that we would wait until
our wedding night to go "all the way," so we are both virgins.
The problem is, I'm afraid that our special "first time" that we've both been
looking forward to for so long will turn out to be a big disappointment for her
because of the fact that I have no idea of what I'm doing. I don't want her to
end up thinking "I've waited six years for THIS?" on our honeymoon. What can I
do to increase my sexual competence before the big day?
Nervous Groom
Dear Nervous;
What you need to do, son, is get yourself a hooker. To put it in terms a man
can understand, it's kind of like a football team, before the big game they want
to scrimmage against a team where their performance won't really matter.
Sure, the team has played plenty of practice scrimmages by itself, but they want
the players to get the feel of being in a real game with two teams before they go
for the big score.
If you live in a large city you could take a cab and ask the driver where you
might find some "companionship." Or check your local yellow pages under
"escorts." But be careful. Some of these supposed prostitutes might be
undercover police looking to arrest you, or if they think that you're an
undercover cop looking to arrest them they might kill you. Once you find
yourself a pro, just tell her it's your first time and she'll know what to do. You're
bride will thank you, except you probably shouldn't tell her.
I am a post operative transsexual who has a good, steady job playing "the
bearded lady" in a traveling carnival (the hormones did NOTHING to stop the
damn thing from growing, but it's paid off). I'm exclusively dating "Bobo," the
dwarf who acts as the ringmaster of the show.
Or so I thought. I suspect he's sleeping around with the elastic lady. He's
always going on about how "flexible" she is. The thing is, he's incredibly
well-hung for a little guy and it's tough for a lady with a full beard to get a date.
What should I do? Send him packing or grin and bare it?
Lady With a Beard Down South
Dear Lady With a Beard;
The first thing you need to do, girl, is start shaving your face clean every
morning and double up on the estrogen. If you want to be a chick you've got to
walk the walk and talk the talk. Maybe you could talk your boss into giving you
a more "girlie" job, like luring suckers into playing the Midway games.
As for your boyfriend, first of all let me say that I have nothing against dating
little people. I toured with Ringling as a clown for a couple of seasons (tip: wear
a long dress that he can hide under in public places). You say you suspect
he's cheating, but are you sure or are you just paranoid? That's why God
created private detectives. When you have the photographic evidence in hand,
you should have a long talk with him about fidelity.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I am a 21 year old male who is graduating from college this spring and getting
married this summer. I have been dating my wife-to-be, Julie, since we were
juniors in high school and we decided a long time ago that we would wait until
our wedding night to go "all the way," so we are both virgins.
The problem is, I'm afraid that our special "first time" that we've both been
looking forward to for so long will turn out to be a big disappointment for her
because of the fact that I have no idea of what I'm doing. I don't want her to
end up thinking "I've waited six years for THIS?" on our honeymoon. What can I
do to increase my sexual competence before the big day?
Nervous Groom
Dear Nervous;
What you need to do, son, is get yourself a hooker. To put it in terms a man
can understand, it's kind of like a football team, before the big game they want
to scrimmage against a team where their performance won't really matter.
Sure, the team has played plenty of practice scrimmages by itself, but they want
the players to get the feel of being in a real game with two teams before they go
for the big score.
If you live in a large city you could take a cab and ask the driver where you
might find some "companionship." Or check your local yellow pages under
"escorts." But be careful. Some of these supposed prostitutes might be
undercover police looking to arrest you, or if they think that you're an
undercover cop looking to arrest them they might kill you. Once you find
yourself a pro, just tell her it's your first time and she'll know what to do. You're
bride will thank you, except you probably shouldn't tell her.
If you'd like to write to The Strange Advice Lady we
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
| PEACE FORCE A science fiction novel by J.W. Lengel the creator and contributing editor of The Strange Times |
Available now from your favorite
bookseller or at the
PublishAmerica.com online bookstore.
Publish America, Science Fiction,
ISBN: 1-4241-1220-6
For more information about the book
or author visit jwlengel.com
bookseller or at the
PublishAmerica.com online bookstore.
Publish America, Science Fiction,
ISBN: 1-4241-1220-6
For more information about the book
or author visit jwlengel.com
Its the year 2051 and Felicia Carson is
a full-time nurse and part-time political
activist. She passes petitions and
pamphlets in her spare time for a group
a full-time nurse and part-time political
activist. She passes petitions and
pamphlets in her spare time for a group
called The Free Earth Society. Until she gets recruited into a plot to kidnap
a soldier and becomes one of the original members of its radical branch.
a soldier and becomes one of the original members of its radical branch.
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