| Faux News |
| We can't be bothered with research so we just make these stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier than most of that stuff you'll read from CNN. |
Bush Declares, "We Believe That France Has WMDs"
President Bush, speaking to supporters at a rotary club in suburban Detroit, said
that intelligence sources are reasonably sure that France possesses nuclear
weapons, as well as some chemical and biological agents. "We can never be
sure what those people might be up to, because they talk funny so you can't
even understand them. We must take strong action against this threat while we
still can, or else the terrorists will win. We must never forget 9/11."
A senior Defense Department official, who spoke candidly in exchange for
anonymity, said, "The war on France is in the earliest phase, the PR phase,
when the president and everybody who works for him will mention how
dangerous France is every time they speak in public. When public opinion polls
show that more than fifty percent of Americans support going to war, which we
expect to take a couple of weeks, we'll be ready for phase two, the kicking
France's ass stage."
When asked to respond, Democratic leaders ran away, some of them crying.
Except Ted Kennedy, who tripped over a chair. After getting up, he commented,
"I wish I could oppose this war, I really do, but it's France. I hate those snobby
bastards, so I say go for it, Georgie!"
An aide close to the president reportedly confided to one of our sources, "The
president believes that his approval rate is slipping because he hasn't started a
war for awhile. You know what they say, the best way to take the people's minds
off an unpopular war is to get into a popular one."
President Bush, speaking to supporters at a rotary club in suburban Detroit, said
that intelligence sources are reasonably sure that France possesses nuclear
weapons, as well as some chemical and biological agents. "We can never be
sure what those people might be up to, because they talk funny so you can't
even understand them. We must take strong action against this threat while we
still can, or else the terrorists will win. We must never forget 9/11."
A senior Defense Department official, who spoke candidly in exchange for
anonymity, said, "The war on France is in the earliest phase, the PR phase,
when the president and everybody who works for him will mention how
dangerous France is every time they speak in public. When public opinion polls
show that more than fifty percent of Americans support going to war, which we
expect to take a couple of weeks, we'll be ready for phase two, the kicking
France's ass stage."
When asked to respond, Democratic leaders ran away, some of them crying.
Except Ted Kennedy, who tripped over a chair. After getting up, he commented,
"I wish I could oppose this war, I really do, but it's France. I hate those snobby
bastards, so I say go for it, Georgie!"
An aide close to the president reportedly confided to one of our sources, "The
president believes that his approval rate is slipping because he hasn't started a
war for awhile. You know what they say, the best way to take the people's minds
off an unpopular war is to get into a popular one."
Hillary Clinton Undergoes Surgery to Have Penis Removed
According to a personal friend who wishes to remain anonymous because she
does not exist, Senator Clinton recently underwent delicate surgery to have her
penis removed because she was tired of trying to keep the secret that she has
been a hermaphrodite since birth.
She reportedly said, "Bill hasn't touched me in years because he's jealous that
my dick is bigger than his. That's why he screws around all the time, to prove
his manhood." In a private meeting she sought to assure a small group of
supporters that the surgery would not effect her attitude, saying, "I still have
balls."
According to a personal friend who wishes to remain anonymous because she
does not exist, Senator Clinton recently underwent delicate surgery to have her
penis removed because she was tired of trying to keep the secret that she has
been a hermaphrodite since birth.
She reportedly said, "Bill hasn't touched me in years because he's jealous that
my dick is bigger than his. That's why he screws around all the time, to prove
his manhood." In a private meeting she sought to assure a small group of
supporters that the surgery would not effect her attitude, saying, "I still have
balls."
Beatles to Reunite for "Live" Performance
All four Beatles will reunite for a historic performance at the fabled Albert Hall.
Sources report that Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr have agreed to share the
stage with the rotting corpses of John Lennon and George Harrison. At a press
conference McCartney quipped, "They couldn't smell any worse than they did
when they were alive. But seriously, I think it's high time to bury the hatchet and
make peace with my deceased former bandmates."
Starr remarked, "I'd share the stage with the bloody devil himself for all the
money they offered me. Do you know what it costs to maintain four big houses
and sixty-two luxury autos? The little voice-over gigs just ain't cuttin' it."
Also making an appearance at the show will be the corpse of Linda McCartney,
Paul's deceased wife, and the living corpse of Yoko Ono, John's widow. Tickets
for the one-time only performance will start at 35,000 American dollars, and
there's a bidding war going on for the rights to a world-wide simulcast.
All four Beatles will reunite for a historic performance at the fabled Albert Hall.
Sources report that Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr have agreed to share the
stage with the rotting corpses of John Lennon and George Harrison. At a press
conference McCartney quipped, "They couldn't smell any worse than they did
when they were alive. But seriously, I think it's high time to bury the hatchet and
make peace with my deceased former bandmates."
Starr remarked, "I'd share the stage with the bloody devil himself for all the
money they offered me. Do you know what it costs to maintain four big houses
and sixty-two luxury autos? The little voice-over gigs just ain't cuttin' it."
Also making an appearance at the show will be the corpse of Linda McCartney,
Paul's deceased wife, and the living corpse of Yoko Ono, John's widow. Tickets
for the one-time only performance will start at 35,000 American dollars, and
there's a bidding war going on for the rights to a world-wide simulcast.
Osama Bin Laden Spotted in Canadian Restroom
High-ranking sources in the Bush administration say they have received credible
reports that Osama Bin Laden was seen standing at a urinal in a public restroom
in rural Ontario. Apparently he wrote the Arabic words for "Death to all infidels"
on the wall with a permanent marker before he left.
The reports have not yet been confirmed, but Dick Cheney remarked at a
top-level meeting, "If those damn Canadians are giving Bin Laden refuge, they
better not think that we won't go after him. We have the fucking nukes and
we're not afraid to use them."
High-ranking sources in the Bush administration say they have received credible
reports that Osama Bin Laden was seen standing at a urinal in a public restroom
in rural Ontario. Apparently he wrote the Arabic words for "Death to all infidels"
on the wall with a permanent marker before he left.
The reports have not yet been confirmed, but Dick Cheney remarked at a
top-level meeting, "If those damn Canadians are giving Bin Laden refuge, they
better not think that we won't go after him. We have the fucking nukes and
we're not afraid to use them."
Paris Hilton Claims That it Wasn't Her in Those Sex Videos
Sources say that Paris Hilton has been claiming that it wasn't her, it was actually
her evil twin Berlin who was captured on tape in those raunchy sex videos. She
was heard to say, "I took the credit because it got so much press that it made me
famous, and what's the use of being rich if your'e not famous? Problem is, now
everybody thinks I'm a rich slut, when I'm really more of a rich bitch. I don't even
have sex unless there's at least three karats of diamonds involved."
Sources say that Paris Hilton has been claiming that it wasn't her, it was actually
her evil twin Berlin who was captured on tape in those raunchy sex videos. She
was heard to say, "I took the credit because it got so much press that it made me
famous, and what's the use of being rich if your'e not famous? Problem is, now
everybody thinks I'm a rich slut, when I'm really more of a rich bitch. I don't even
have sex unless there's at least three karats of diamonds involved."
Rolling Stones Cancel Tour Because of Alzheimer's
The Rolling Stones were forced to cancel the remaining dates on their "Geriatric
Tour" when guitarist Keith Richards was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer's
Disease. Mick Jagger was heard to remark, "These past few years, y'know, we
just thought it was all the drugs and booze, but apparently he had no bloody idea
who or where he was. Kind of like Reagan's second term, except without the
personality."
The Rolling Stones were forced to cancel the remaining dates on their "Geriatric
Tour" when guitarist Keith Richards was diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer's
Disease. Mick Jagger was heard to remark, "These past few years, y'know, we
just thought it was all the drugs and booze, but apparently he had no bloody idea
who or where he was. Kind of like Reagan's second term, except without the
personality."
Madonna to Undergo Delicate Surgery to Have Penis Attached
A confidential source at the famed Sexual Reassignment Institute in Sweden
reports that Madonna is preparing for a first-of-it's-kind procedure to have a
donor penis attached to her pelvis above her vagina. She confided to our
source, "I've been a virgin, a whore, a lesbian, a country-western gal, a mommy
and even a Brit. I've run out of ideas for reinventing myself as a woman. But a
hermaphrodite, now, that's original. I don't even know of any famous
hermaphrodites, except Hillary Clinton."
When reached for comment the Institute's Director, Dr. Pullman, stated, "We told
her that this procedure was inadvisable, maybe even ethically questionable. But
she threw so much money at us we said, what the hell, she must really be sure
this is what she wants."
A confidential source at the famed Sexual Reassignment Institute in Sweden
reports that Madonna is preparing for a first-of-it's-kind procedure to have a
donor penis attached to her pelvis above her vagina. She confided to our
source, "I've been a virgin, a whore, a lesbian, a country-western gal, a mommy
and even a Brit. I've run out of ideas for reinventing myself as a woman. But a
hermaphrodite, now, that's original. I don't even know of any famous
hermaphrodites, except Hillary Clinton."
When reached for comment the Institute's Director, Dr. Pullman, stated, "We told
her that this procedure was inadvisable, maybe even ethically questionable. But
she threw so much money at us we said, what the hell, she must really be sure
this is what she wants."
PETA Announces New "Pro Cannibalism" Campaign
Leaders of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals held a press conference
today to kick off their latest ad campaign, "Save an animal, eat a person."
Spokeshuman Olive Animas told reporters, "We believe that we shouldn't ask our
animal equals to do anything that we wouldn't do ourselves, so if we're going to
eat helpless cows and chickens and pigs, we should be willing to offer ourselves
up on the dinner plate."
They are planning to hold a large rally in Los Angeles this weekend, with
celebrity has-been volunteers being fried up and eaten by tens of thousands of
attendees. "We don't want to give away the menu, because somebody might try
to talk them out of it. But I think we've lined up a delicious group of celebrities."
Leaders of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals held a press conference
today to kick off their latest ad campaign, "Save an animal, eat a person."
Spokeshuman Olive Animas told reporters, "We believe that we shouldn't ask our
animal equals to do anything that we wouldn't do ourselves, so if we're going to
eat helpless cows and chickens and pigs, we should be willing to offer ourselves
up on the dinner plate."
They are planning to hold a large rally in Los Angeles this weekend, with
celebrity has-been volunteers being fried up and eaten by tens of thousands of
attendees. "We don't want to give away the menu, because somebody might try
to talk them out of it. But I think we've lined up a delicious group of celebrities."
| PEACE FORCE A science fiction novel by J.W. Lengel the creator and contributing editor of The Strange Times |
Available now from your favorite
bookseller or at the
PublishAmerica.com online bookstore.
Publish America, Science Fiction,
ISBN: 1-4241-1220-6
For more information about the book
or author visit jwlengel.com
bookseller or at the
PublishAmerica.com online bookstore.
Publish America, Science Fiction,
ISBN: 1-4241-1220-6
For more information about the book
or author visit jwlengel.com
Its the year 2051 and Rudolph
Guilliame is the Chairman of the World
Peace Council, the duly elected leader
of Earth. He's ruthlessly ambitious and
Guilliame is the Chairman of the World
Peace Council, the duly elected leader
of Earth. He's ruthlessly ambitious and
meticulously efficient. More importantly, he's a man of vision who will
stop at nothing to see his vision realized.
stop at nothing to see his vision realized.
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