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for a little bit of
good advice...go
find yourself a
qualified
counselor. Our
Strange Advice
Lady has been
found incompetent
to stand trial on
two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel
the spirit of Dear
Abby (the twin that
ISN"T dead).
I used to be very close to my sister, but after she moved out of state
we fell out of touch for several years. I was thrilled when she moved
back to town with a husband and two small children. That is, until I
became horrified to discover that she and her husband are Satan
worshipers. I walked in on them one day in the middle of some sort
of bizarre ceremony. There were lots of candles and a big symbol
painted on the floor that they usually keep covered with a big rug.
There were a dozen people in black robes chanting some gibberish.
I’m afraid that my sister has become part of something evil, but even
more I’m afraid for those poor children living in that house. Should I
report my sister to somebody?
THE DEVIL’S SISTER-IN-LAW
DEAR DEVIL’S SISTER-IN-LAW;
First of all, you walked into their house without knocking? How rude!
But actually, devil worshippers are not criminals and are not
necessarily evil. Actually, they’re more likely to be pagans, but some
might actually worship the devil. You should better educate yourself
about their beliefs before you condemn them. Some great American
people have been devil worshippers, including Richard Nixon, David
Hasselhoff and Kevin Federline.
As for the children, they are in no danger so you should mind your
own business. Modern devil worshippers rarely use human sacrifice
as a part of their ceremonies and if they do they’re more likely to
grab a stranger than to sacrifice their own children. However, they
are very secretive about what goes on at their ceremonies, so I’d
watch my back if I were you.
DEAR STRANGE ADVICE LADY;
My problem is my 23-year-old son. He was always a good boy,
although maybe something of a slacker. The thing is, he’s never
held a job of any kind. He went to college for a couple of years, but
ever since he dropped out he’s been satisfied to just live in our
basement and hang out with his slacker friends. He doesn’t smoke
or drink or do drugs, which is good, but it also means he doesn’t
really need any money as long as we’re providing him with food and
a roof over his head.
I don’t want to be a nag, but I’m constantly after him to either go out
and get a job or go back to school. The problem is that he thinks he’
s to good for the jobs he could actually get. At any rate, I think it’s
high time for the little birdie to leave the nest. What should I do?
TIRED OF BEING MAMA BIRD
DEAR TIRED OF BEING MAMA BIRD;
You have a very delicate problem here. On the one hand, you love
your son and don’t want to callously throw him out with no means of
support in some hysterical scene. On the other hand, if you don’t do
something he might still be living in your basement at forty and
spending all his time playing video games. I’m afraid the situation
calls for drastic measures--you’ll have to ditch him.
No, I don’t mean leave him dead in a ditch--I can’t believe you even
thought that. You just get him to go away for a couple of days.
Maybe you could surprise him with a ticket to an out-of-town Star
Trek convention or something. Then you change the locks, put your
house on the market and move into an apartment somewhere with no
forwarding address. Leave his things in some trash bags on the
front lawn with a note giving him an e-mail address to contact you
when he’s found a job and a place to live.
It’s kind of like teaching somebody to swim. You throw them in the
water and they either learn to swim or they drown. Nine times out of
ten, they’ll swim.
DEAR STRANGE ADVICE LADY;
My problem is with my new neighbor that moved in next door a few
months ago. He seemed like a really nice guy at first, but then he
turned out to be a first-class pest. He’s always popping by and
boring me to tears with these endless stories, and he’s always
wanting to borrow something. It’s kind of hard to avoid him since he
lives right next door and knows when I come home. I don’t want to
move, but I’m actually considering it. What else can I do?
FED UP
DEAR FED UP;
You know the old saying, “Good fences make good neighbors?”
Well, I think you’re fence should be electrified. Once your neighbor
has been jolted with a few thousand volts a couple of times he’ll stop
coming around.
However, depending on where you live, building codes might not
allow you to build an electrified fence in a residential neighborhood.
In that case you might have to be a little more subtle. Like an attack
dog in your yard. Or try this: Every time you see him tell him you
have to go potty, then go into your house and stay there until he
leaves. The message should be clear; every time I see you it makes
me have to pooh.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
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