Page
Fictitious Interview
did an interview in our
very first issue with the
man who puts the "i can"
in Republican. One year
later, for our First
Anniversary Issue, we
once again ask the
tough questions and
make up the answers so
he won't have to.
be thinking about your presidential legacy. Some people say--not us of
course, but some people--that you might go down in history as the worst
president ever. How do you respond to that?
George W. Bush: That’s b######t. Maybe I invented reasons to get
us into a costly, bloody war that didn’t turn out like I said it would.
Maybe I even used the 9-11 attacks as an excuse to ignore the
constitution and do whatever the hell I wanted. But the important thing
to remember is that I never, ever had sexual relations with an intern in
the White House. Or with any woman--not even my wife.
The Strange Times: Why not?
George W. Bush: Because I’m a conservative and sex is naughty.
Besides, there’s always a secret service guy outside the door and--
(whispers) I can’t do it if somebody might hear.
The Strange Times: When we spoke a year ago you still seemed to
believe that everything was going fine in Iraq. Was that denial or self-
delusion?
George W. Bush: Everything was going fine in Iraq. It still is. We just
have to increase our troop levels a little bit so we can pacify the
terrorists. The thing is, we have to win no matter the costs. And if we
do lose, it has to be well after I’ve left office so I can blame the next guy.
The Strange Times: But by all accounts the situation in Iraq is only
getting worse, with the amount of anti-American violence and sectarian
violence increasing dramatically.
George W. Bush: Which is why we need more troops and we need to
show them who’s boss. When it comes to violence, we have the
technology and the training to outdo anybody. If anybody is to blame
for the increase of violence it’s the media. If they didn’t keep reporting
all of these terrible attacks, do you think these terrorists would keep
attacking if they weren’t getting any publicity?
The Strange Times: I don’t know…probably?
George W. Bush: No, they wouldn’t. Also, things would be going
better in Iraq if we got more support and cooperation from Iraq’s
neighbors and our European allies. Except for England, they’ve been
great. They’re like an old, decrepit grandfather that you can always
count on to loan you a few quid.
The Strange Times: But you knew going in that all of those countries
were totally opposed to your invasion. Do you really expect them to
help bail you out now that you’ve made an even bigger mess of it than
they thought you would?
George W. Bush: It doesn’t matter why Iraq is an oil-rich country that
could easily become a terrorist state. Our invasion could have played a
role in creating this situation, but who can really say? The thing is, it’s
in everybody’s best interests to create and defend a pro-western
government there. Except maybe the Iraqi people, and we gave them
their chance to be a peaceful democracy and they blew it.
The Strange Times: So, if you had it all to do over again, would you
do anything differently in hindsight?
George W. Bush: Our initial attack wouldn’t have been so restrained.
We would have flattened every building in every city and then burned
the rubble. Let the people there go back to living in tents in the desert
for the next twenty years. Then it wouldn’t matter much what they were
doing there. They wouldn’t be able to do anything but concentrate on
their daily survival.
The Strange Times: Is that why your “new strategy” is a troop surge in
Iraq? Do you think that twenty thousand more troops will be enough to
crush the opposition under our boot?
George W. Bush: We already have enough forces in Iraq to crush the
enemy in a fair fight. But they’re crafty. They hide and sneak up on
you--hit you when you least expect it. That’s why it might be necessary
for the Iraqi government and the U.S. Army to start rounding up
everybody they even suspect of being an enemy and throw them in
prison until their innocence can be determined. We might also have to
use more hard-line measures to root out the insurgents.
The Strange Times: Hard-line? You mean like using torture and
murder to find and eliminate enemies of the state?
George W. Bush: I would not rule it out. It is for the greater good,
after all.
The Strange Times: It sounds like you’re suggesting that the current
Iraqi government should be more like Saddam Hussein’s government.
George W. Bush: He did run a tight ship. They didn’t have all of this
factional fighting when he was in charge--they were all too afraid of him.
That’s strong leadership. Prime Minister whatsisname needs to put a
little fear of God into his people. Or whatever those people fear.
The Strange Times: Now that you’re facing a Democrat-controlled
Congress for the rest of your term, have you become irrelevant? After
all, some see the ‘06 elections as a vote of no-confidence for you and
your policies.
George W. Bush: That’s ridiculous. I’m still the commander-in-chief,
and I’m still the decider. Congress can cry all they want to--the
president still runs this country.
The Strange Times: One last question. Who do you want to see get
the Republican nomination in ‘08?
George W. Bush: You know, I don’t know. Cheney won’t run because
he thinks he can’t win because everybody thinks he’s too much of an
a#####e. McCain--when he was running against me I always thought
he was kind of a jerk. Then there’s that butthead from Nebraska who’s
made a name for himself by disagreeing with me. Actually, I’ve been
surprised that none of the potential candidates has even asked for my
endorsement, so it hasn’t really come up.
Page