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so we just make these stories up. It
may not be informative but it's a lot
funnier than at least half of what
you'll hear about from CNN.
Vice President Dick Cheney gave a rare interview to Cindi
Perksina, a reporter for MTV news, apparently under the mistaken
belief that he was talking to a correspondent from Fox News. At
one point she asked him the famous “boxers or briefs” question
and he responded very candidly, “I never wear either. I’ve always
worn thong underwear since I was in high school. I just like the way
it feels. It makes me feel sexy.”
Later in the nearly thirty minute interview Cheney admitted that he
was often jealous of his lesbian sister. “Doing it with a man is
gross, but sometimes I wish I could be a woman making love to a
woman.”
CANDIDATE OBAMA DECLARES “I AM TOO BLACK”
Ever since Senator Barack Obama announced that he was running
for president, some have raised questions about what it would
mean, historically, if he were to win. Some say that he wouldn’t
actually be the first African-American president because he’s only
half black at best. Speaking to the press today, Obama tried to lay
such talk to rest.
“Obviously I’m black,” the angry senator told reporters. “Look at
me. If you were a big city cop stopping me at three a.m., you would
feel compelled to whomp my ass. If you were a southern sheriff you
‘d probably want to lynch me.”
He went on to opine, “Some say I’m not a real African-American
because none of my ancestors were brought over as slaves, but I
know what our people have suffered--I’ve felt the sting of
prejudice. My stepather was once denied membership to an
exclusive country club because he had a black kid. Of course, he
sued their ass and settled out of court for a free lifetime
membership.”
CANDIDATE CLINTON SHRIEKS “I AM TOO A WOMAN”
Along with those who argue that Obama would not truly be the first
African-American president, there are those who have declared
that Senator Hillary Clinton, if elected, would not count as the first
female president. When asked about those statements, Clinton
said, “That’s f##king ridiculous. Those rumors that I’m a
hermaphrodite with male genitalia are greatly exaggerated. It’s
true that I have a set of balls, but I had the penis removed years
ago.”
NORTH DAKOTA WILL HOLD ‘08 PRIMARY IN ‘07
In a bid to greatly increase the state’s prominence in the
presidential election, North Dakota has moved up the date of their
presidential primaries to November Fifth, 2007, one full year before
the presidential election. This will make their primary the first in the
nation, more than two months before New Hampshire and Iowa
hold theirs in January.
In New Hampshire, where having the first presidential primary is the
one thing they’re known for on a national level, reaction was
decisively negative. Their governor stated, “This is nothing but a
blatant attempt by a small, sparsely populated state to have a
larger effect on presidential politics than they deserve.”
When told about the governor of New Hampshire’s remark, the
governor of North Dakota replied, “They’re just jealous because
now we’ll be the first.”
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR WANTS TO RUN FOR PREZ
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly confided to an
associate that he desperately wants to run for president, despite
the Constitutional provision that a person must be born in the U.S.
to be president. Arnold said, “It isn’t fair. I’m just like Ronald
Reagan--I was an actor, then the governor, now I should be
president.”
But the source reports that the governor is actively working on the
problem, saying, “I have people all over the country lobbying for a
constitutional amendment. It’s really narrow, it just says, “Arnold
Schwarzenegger shall be allowed to run for president even though
he wasn’t born here.” We probably can’t get it past Congress and
ratified in time for ‘08, but maybe in time for the 2012 election.”
BRITNEY SPEARS SEEKS TO START SERIOUS ACTING CAREER
Pop diva Britney Spears has reportedly confided to friends that
she wants to branch out and be taken seriously as an actress,
saying, “I’m a divorced, single mom in my twenties and being the
“pop princess” just doesn’t play anymore. I need to reinvent
myself, like Madonna. Even the paparazzi is starting to lose
interest in me--they’re always off chasing those bitches Lohan and
Hilton.”
She says that she wants to start off her new career by playing
Anna Nicole Smith in an upcoming movie about her life, but Jessica
Simpson is also in contention for the part. But she said
confidently, “I kicked her butt as a singer and I’ll do it as an actor.”
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