| Faux News |
| We can't be bothered with research so we just make these stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN. |
NICOLE RITCHIE MAULED BY HER OWN DOG
Celebrity rich girl Nicole Ritchie was seriously injured when she was
attacked in her own home by her own dog. Reportedly everything was
fine one minute, she was holding the tiny Chihuahua in her arms and
talking insipidly, when suddenly it bared it’s teeth and lunged at her
throat, sinking its teeth into her jugular.
Ritchie lost a lot of blood and underwent surgery, but is expected to
fully recover eventually and has already been able to communicate
well enough to demand that the dog be put to death. But the sheriff of
Los Angeles county has stated that he will not recommend the dog be
euthanized, saying, “I know Miss Ritchie, and I’ve thought about doing
the same thing myself many times.”
CHONG TO HOST NEW GAME SHOW
World famous stoner Tommy Chong has announced that, in an attempt
to cash in on the current game show craze, he will be the host of a
brand new game show being developed for a cable network. It will be
called “Dealer or No Dealer” and will feature a number of models
holding suitcases. Contestants will try to find the suitcase that holds a
million dollars worth of pure Bolivian cocaine while avoiding the
suitcases that contain ditchweed or a DEA badge. According to Mr.
Chong, “It’s gonna be sweet, man.”
When asked if he was aware of any similarities between his show and
another game show that’s already on the air, Chong replied, “I don’t
know what you’re talking about, man. I watch a lot of TV but I don’t pay
much attention.”
HOMER SIMPSON TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
Popular cartoon character Homer Simpson held a press conference
today to announce that he would be running for president in 2008 as
an independent candidate. According to Simpson, “That Bushie guy
has given new hope to cartoons, clowns and claymation figures
everywhere. As long as you’re popular you don’t have to be good or
even competent to win elections. I figure if whatshisname can win twice
I should be able to win it about twenty times.” When asked if he wasn’t
aware of the two-term limit on the presidency, Simpson replied, “Doh!”
ELLEN DEGENERES ADMITS SHE ISN’T A LESBIAN
Comedian, actress and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres confided in a
reliable source that she isn’t really a lesbian and never has been.
“That all just started as an idea for the character on my sitcom, Ellen.”
She said. “At the time I thought it would be really new and shocking to
have a gay lead character on a sitcom. Of course, the line between
the character Ellen and the real Ellen was blurred, so gay Ellen sort of
became my professional persona. I’ve been a closeted heterosexual
ever since.”
She reportedly told our source that she has a husband and three kids
hidden away at her secret second house in the country. “The hardest
part is trying to explain to the kids that mommy is only pretending to be
gay. And I get a lot of funny looks at PTA meetings.”
CHENEY SHOOTS WHITE HOUSE DOG
Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly shot to death one of President
Bush’s Scottish Terriers late one night at the White House. When the
Secret Service responded to the gunshots he told them that he
thought it was an intruder. The Secret Service, the FBI and ASPCA
are all independently investigating the shooting and the VP will not be
allowed to carry a firearm in the White House pending the outcome of
the investigations.
When reached for comment Cheney said, “I deeply regret that I’m
being investigated for some alleged wrongdoing when I was only trying
to protect my president. I’m also sorry that the dog was mistakenly
killed, but at least the little bitch won’t be yapping all night the next time
I’m trying to catch up on some paperwork.”
CRIME RATES UP: POLITICAL PARTIES BLAME EACH OTHER
According to the National Bureau of Manipulating Statistics,
preliminary, unofficial reports show that crime rates across the country
are up slightly since the November elections. However, the Bureau’s
spokesperson warned that the increase could be interpreted in
different ways.
Byron Underwood, leader of the conservative think tank Americans for
Restoring Our Religious Values to the Constitution, says the increase
in crime is clearly a result of the Democrat’s takeover of Congress.
“The criminals are emboldened because they know that the Democrats
are soft on crime.”
But Peter Bailey of the liberal group Fight the Power disagrees. “This
increase in crime is clearly because the former Republican senators
and congressmen were all criminals. Now they’re all out of work and
they’ve returned to their home states and their lives of crime.”
Celebrity rich girl Nicole Ritchie was seriously injured when she was
attacked in her own home by her own dog. Reportedly everything was
fine one minute, she was holding the tiny Chihuahua in her arms and
talking insipidly, when suddenly it bared it’s teeth and lunged at her
throat, sinking its teeth into her jugular.
Ritchie lost a lot of blood and underwent surgery, but is expected to
fully recover eventually and has already been able to communicate
well enough to demand that the dog be put to death. But the sheriff of
Los Angeles county has stated that he will not recommend the dog be
euthanized, saying, “I know Miss Ritchie, and I’ve thought about doing
the same thing myself many times.”
CHONG TO HOST NEW GAME SHOW
World famous stoner Tommy Chong has announced that, in an attempt
to cash in on the current game show craze, he will be the host of a
brand new game show being developed for a cable network. It will be
called “Dealer or No Dealer” and will feature a number of models
holding suitcases. Contestants will try to find the suitcase that holds a
million dollars worth of pure Bolivian cocaine while avoiding the
suitcases that contain ditchweed or a DEA badge. According to Mr.
Chong, “It’s gonna be sweet, man.”
When asked if he was aware of any similarities between his show and
another game show that’s already on the air, Chong replied, “I don’t
know what you’re talking about, man. I watch a lot of TV but I don’t pay
much attention.”
HOMER SIMPSON TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT
Popular cartoon character Homer Simpson held a press conference
today to announce that he would be running for president in 2008 as
an independent candidate. According to Simpson, “That Bushie guy
has given new hope to cartoons, clowns and claymation figures
everywhere. As long as you’re popular you don’t have to be good or
even competent to win elections. I figure if whatshisname can win twice
I should be able to win it about twenty times.” When asked if he wasn’t
aware of the two-term limit on the presidency, Simpson replied, “Doh!”
ELLEN DEGENERES ADMITS SHE ISN’T A LESBIAN
Comedian, actress and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres confided in a
reliable source that she isn’t really a lesbian and never has been.
“That all just started as an idea for the character on my sitcom, Ellen.”
She said. “At the time I thought it would be really new and shocking to
have a gay lead character on a sitcom. Of course, the line between
the character Ellen and the real Ellen was blurred, so gay Ellen sort of
became my professional persona. I’ve been a closeted heterosexual
ever since.”
She reportedly told our source that she has a husband and three kids
hidden away at her secret second house in the country. “The hardest
part is trying to explain to the kids that mommy is only pretending to be
gay. And I get a lot of funny looks at PTA meetings.”
CHENEY SHOOTS WHITE HOUSE DOG
Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly shot to death one of President
Bush’s Scottish Terriers late one night at the White House. When the
Secret Service responded to the gunshots he told them that he
thought it was an intruder. The Secret Service, the FBI and ASPCA
are all independently investigating the shooting and the VP will not be
allowed to carry a firearm in the White House pending the outcome of
the investigations.
When reached for comment Cheney said, “I deeply regret that I’m
being investigated for some alleged wrongdoing when I was only trying
to protect my president. I’m also sorry that the dog was mistakenly
killed, but at least the little bitch won’t be yapping all night the next time
I’m trying to catch up on some paperwork.”
CRIME RATES UP: POLITICAL PARTIES BLAME EACH OTHER
According to the National Bureau of Manipulating Statistics,
preliminary, unofficial reports show that crime rates across the country
are up slightly since the November elections. However, the Bureau’s
spokesperson warned that the increase could be interpreted in
different ways.
Byron Underwood, leader of the conservative think tank Americans for
Restoring Our Religious Values to the Constitution, says the increase
in crime is clearly a result of the Democrat’s takeover of Congress.
“The criminals are emboldened because they know that the Democrats
are soft on crime.”
But Peter Bailey of the liberal group Fight the Power disagrees. “This
increase in crime is clearly because the former Republican senators
and congressmen were all criminals. Now they’re all out of work and
they’ve returned to their home states and their lives of crime.”
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