Fictitious Interview
lot of the Bush Administration’s hawkish policies, including the war in Iraq--
that you wield an unusual amount of influence on policy for a Vice
President. Any truth to that?
DICK CHENEY: Guilty as charged (smiling widely). Fortunately, George is
something of a dim bulb, so he looks to some of us that have been around
awhile for ideas. I mean, he knows what he stands for, the same as the
rest of us; lower taxes, less government regulation, and a democratic, free-
market world with one superpower--us. He’s just not so sure about how to
get us from here to there.
THE STRANGE TIMES: You were a driving force behind the decision to
attack Iraq, but at the conclusion of the first Persian Gulf War, when you
were Secretary of Defense, you said, “I think for us to get American military
personnel involved in a civil war inside Iraq would literally be a quagmire,”
and “I do not think the United States wants to have U.S. military forces
accept casualties and accept responsibility of trying to govern Iraq. I think it
makes no sense at all.” Now those words almost seem prophetic. Are you
telling yourself “I told you so?”
DICK CHENEY: That was then, this is now. After the attacks of 9/11 we
couldn’t allow a tyrant like Saddam Hussein to continue surviving.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Hasn’t it been well-established that Saddam didn’t
have anything to do with 9/11?
DICK CHENEY: Not in my mind. Or in the minds of any patriotic,
conservative American. He was an evil man who wanted to destroy us all.
THE STRANGE TIMES: You began your public service career in the Nixon
Administration. Did you learn anything from Tricky Dick?
DICK CHENEY: Yeah--what not to do. Like don’t put anything on tape.
We don’t even allow cell phones in the West Wing. What happens in the
White House stays in the White House.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Your party and your administration clearly oppose
same-sex marriage or anything that recognizes any rights for gay people,
but one of your daughters is a lesbian. Does that create any conflict?
DICK CHENEY: I’m very close to my daughter Mary, but I don’t know what
her sexual orientation is. We have a don’t ask-don’t tell policy.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Let’s talk about your lack of military service. You
supported the Viet Nam war, yet you applied for several student
deferments to avoid the draft. Don’t you think that a young, able-bodied
man who supports a war should show his support by picking up a
weapon? Especially when thousands are being drafted against their will
who may not share your enthusiasm for saving Viet Nam from the
communists.
DICK CHENEY: Some of us have to be educated so we can lead. I
figured it was better to let the high school drop-outs do the actual fighting.
THE STRANGE TIMES: You’re not running for president. That’s unusual
for an incumbent vice president when the president is term-limited out.
Why not run?
DICK CHENEY: Realistically, I know that I probably couldn’t win, but I want
a Republican to win. I’m just not as likable as George. I have a hard time
pretending that I like f##king idiots.
THE STRANGE TIMES: So what’s next, then?
DICK CHENEY: I still own a lot of Halliburton stock. They’ve been doing
really well the last few years without my help (winks), but I might go back on
their payroll. Or maybe do some consulting to help conservative causes.
THE STRANGE TIMES: Conservative causes?
DICK CHENEY: Less taxes, less government, less civil rights. Oops, I
didn’t mean that last one--it just slipped out.
THE STRANGE TIMES: One last question. How did you manage to shoot
your friend in that hunting accident?
DICK CHENEY: It was just that--an accident. I swear to God, from a little
distance Whittington looks just like a quail.
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