research so we just make these
stories up. It may not be
informative but it's a lot funnier
than at least half of what you'll
hear about from CNN.
Real Estate Tycoon and media darling Donald Trump has reportedly
purchased the entire island nation of Topogo in the South Pacific. The
32 billion dollar price tag apparently includes the entire two hundred and
eighty-five thousand acre island and all of the structures on it.
According to a publicist the nation will be re-named Trumpland.
When reached for comment, Trump bragged, “The great thing about it
is that the entire island will be wired for video and sound. All citizens will
have to sign a release and we’re going to use the footage to create a
brand new reality show called “Trump’s Island.”
PRESIDENT UNVEILS PLAN TO INVADE CUBA
President Bush made a surprise announcement today that he has
instructed his military advisors to work out a plan to invade Cuba.
According to the president, “There has been a lot of speculation that
this administration is making plans to attack Iran or Syria. That’s just
ridiculous. I mean, with all the trouble we’ve been having with a messed-
up country like Iraq, can you imagine the resistance that the Iranians
would put up? But I’m pretty confident we can take on Cuba. Castro’s
regime is on it’s last legs--kind of like Castro. I think we owe it to God
and Ronald Reagan to overthrow him before he dies. And they‘re so
close we could bring our troops home in between patrols. How great is
that?”
When asked if the plan was to force democracy on the communist
regime, Bush replied, “Absolutely. Actually, our intention is to annex it
and make it our fifty-first state. Then we can return all the choice
properties in Havana to the descendants of the American mobsters who
had their casinos stolen by the evil commies.”
VALENTINE, NEBRASKA CHANGES NAME
Valentine, Nebraska, which has long billed itself as the “Valentine’s Day
Town,” has officially changed the town’s name. According to Town
Manager Bob Hodgekins, “We used to be famous on Valentine’s Day.
People from all over the world would send us their cards to be re-mailed
with the Valentine postmark. But folks just don’t seem to be into that
kind of sentimental bulls##t anymore. Let’s face it, people have become
cruder. So we changed the town’s name to Eatme, Nebraska. The best
part about it is that it works year-round.”
The town held a special election to choose the town’s new name, and
Eatme won with 42% of the vote. The other choices that made it onto
the ballot were Biteme (33%) and Doome (14%). The remaining 11%
went to write-in votes, with the most popular by far being F##kme.
PARIS HILTON RECEIVES PROBATION FOR MANSLAUGHTER
Celebrity ditz and hotel heiress Paris Hilton was recently sentenced to
six months probation after she unintentionally ran her car up onto the
sidewalk in front of a popular Los Angeles nightclub, killing nine B-list
celebrities who were waiting to get inside. According to the police report
her blood alcohol level was slightly over the legal limit, but she
explained, “I only drank a bottle of Krystal, and that stuff is incredibly
expensive so it doesn’t count. It doesn’t get you drunk like poor-people
booze.”
In a plea agreement Miss Hilton received six months probation and a five
million dollar fine, which the police department will use to buy “some
really cool new equipment.” According to her statement in the police
report, Paris claimed, “It, like, totally wasn’t my fault. My little dog,
whatsisname, got away and climbed under the brake pedal. I even
smashed the damn thing trying to stop. But his little legs were over the
gas pedal, so when I mashed it down the car lurched forward into those
people.”
The deputy who wrote the report joked that they were deeming the
cause of the accident an “Act of dog.” After her hearing Paris told
reporters, “I feel really bad about those poor people that got killed. At
least it wasn’t anybody that anybody’s ever heard of.”
PETA ANNOUNCES “ADOPT A COW” CAMPAIGN
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals held a press conference
today to announce the beginning of a new campaign they call “Adopt a
Cow.” According to spokeshuman Olive Animas, “The idea is that
people will save a cow’s life by adopting it to live out its natural life with
them, as a pet. The problem is, we don’t want people to eat our animal
equals, but the poor beasts have been domesticated, so they wouldn’t
survive if we just released them into the wild. This will help promote the
idea that they would make excellent pets for loving families.”
When a reporter asked if a cow would really be a good fit for the
average family, Animas replied, “Absolutely. They are very docile,
gentle creatures. Of course, the adopting family would have to have the
room and the means to provide their cow with a comfortable, dignified
existence. An apartment dweller would probably be out of the question.
But your pet cow would provide you with not only companionship, but
also plenty of fertilizer for your organic garden.”
SENATOR LIEBERMAN WILL NOT SWITCH PARTIES
Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman spoke to reporters today
because he said he wanted to dispel rumors that he was going to
change party affiliations. Ever since the last election, when he lost his
party’s primary and then won the general election as an Independent
with much help from Connecticut’s Republicans, there has been talk that
he might become a Republican. But the Senator insisted, “That is
absolutely false. You see, this way we have at least one Senator on the
majority side of the aisle that loves our president. Umm…not in a
homosexual way of course, but in the way a loyal patriot loves a great
leader. Not that I wouldn’t if he asked me too. He is my leader after all.”
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