| Faux News |
| We can't be bothered with research so we just make these stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN. |
TOM CRUISE DEVELOPS GIANT DEATH RAY
Mad Scientologist Tom Cruise held a teleconference today with
members of the press and world leaders to announce that he has
perfected his giant death ray and that it is capable of destroying an
entire city. Tom Cruise is a leader of the Mad Scientologist Movement
as well as an actor who has starred in films such as “A Few Good
Men,” “Mission Impossible” and “Mission Impossible 2.” During the
teleconference he warned that he intends to destroy one major city per
day until everybody stops polluting and quits hurting defenseless
animals.
In an attempt to thwart his evil plot the U.S. government has dispatched
a team of actors who have played James Bond, led by Sean Connery.
According to a Pentagon spokesman, “So far they have made love to a
hundred and sixty-five female scientologists and been chased a total of
three thousand two hundred and thirty-six miles on land, sea and air.
We expect that very soon they will find Tom Cruise’s secret lair,
probably in an underground fortress or a tiny, uncharted island.”
CHENEY WANTS TO RUN FOR VP AGAIN IN ‘08
Vice President Dick Cheney, who stated more than a year ago that he
wouldn’t run for president in 2008, announced today that he wants to
run for vice president again instead. Reading from a prepared
statement, Cheney said, “Whoever wins the Republican nomination, I
would like to offer them my considerable experience as a running
mate. After all, there’s no constitutional term limits on the vice
presidency. That way he could concentrate on the trivial crap that the
president has to put up with, like meeting with foreigners and
pretending to like them, while I continue to concentrate on my mission
of world domination--er, that is…spreading liberty and democracy
throughout the world.”
GERMAN METAL BAND SUES PRESIDENT BUSH
A heavy metal band that is very popular in Germany has filed suit
against President Bush for trademark infringement and defamation.
The band, called Axis of Evil, alleges that in the months preceding the
war in Iraq the president repeatedly used the name of their band to
refer to Iran, Iraq and North Korea.
According to band spokesman, Zig Hill, “Ve had dis kick-ass name and
he vent and f###ed it up. Now ven da peoples hear our name dey tink
of Iran and Iraq. They vere supposed ta tink of Natzi Germany.”
When asked for comment the president said, “I will crush this Axis of
Evil just like we will crush the other Axis of Evil and all other evil axises.
Um…did you say that Germany threatened me?”
GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA WANTS TO SECEDE
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger held a press conference today to
propose that California should secede from the union and become and
independent state. “I just think that it’s totally unfair that I can’t become
president just because I was born in another country. So we’ll make
our own country and I’ll be president of that.”
When asked for comment the president said, “I thought we already
sold California to the Japanese.”
Mad Scientologist Tom Cruise held a teleconference today with
members of the press and world leaders to announce that he has
perfected his giant death ray and that it is capable of destroying an
entire city. Tom Cruise is a leader of the Mad Scientologist Movement
as well as an actor who has starred in films such as “A Few Good
Men,” “Mission Impossible” and “Mission Impossible 2.” During the
teleconference he warned that he intends to destroy one major city per
day until everybody stops polluting and quits hurting defenseless
animals.
In an attempt to thwart his evil plot the U.S. government has dispatched
a team of actors who have played James Bond, led by Sean Connery.
According to a Pentagon spokesman, “So far they have made love to a
hundred and sixty-five female scientologists and been chased a total of
three thousand two hundred and thirty-six miles on land, sea and air.
We expect that very soon they will find Tom Cruise’s secret lair,
probably in an underground fortress or a tiny, uncharted island.”
CHENEY WANTS TO RUN FOR VP AGAIN IN ‘08
Vice President Dick Cheney, who stated more than a year ago that he
wouldn’t run for president in 2008, announced today that he wants to
run for vice president again instead. Reading from a prepared
statement, Cheney said, “Whoever wins the Republican nomination, I
would like to offer them my considerable experience as a running
mate. After all, there’s no constitutional term limits on the vice
presidency. That way he could concentrate on the trivial crap that the
president has to put up with, like meeting with foreigners and
pretending to like them, while I continue to concentrate on my mission
of world domination--er, that is…spreading liberty and democracy
throughout the world.”
GERMAN METAL BAND SUES PRESIDENT BUSH
A heavy metal band that is very popular in Germany has filed suit
against President Bush for trademark infringement and defamation.
The band, called Axis of Evil, alleges that in the months preceding the
war in Iraq the president repeatedly used the name of their band to
refer to Iran, Iraq and North Korea.
According to band spokesman, Zig Hill, “Ve had dis kick-ass name and
he vent and f###ed it up. Now ven da peoples hear our name dey tink
of Iran and Iraq. They vere supposed ta tink of Natzi Germany.”
When asked for comment the president said, “I will crush this Axis of
Evil just like we will crush the other Axis of Evil and all other evil axises.
Um…did you say that Germany threatened me?”
GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA WANTS TO SECEDE
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger held a press conference today to
propose that California should secede from the union and become and
independent state. “I just think that it’s totally unfair that I can’t become
president just because I was born in another country. So we’ll make
our own country and I’ll be president of that.”
When asked for comment the president said, “I thought we already
sold California to the Japanese.”
