month we make up
an interview with the
soon-to-be Speaker
of the House.
minority suddenly you’re the Speaker of the House.
Nancy Pelosi: Thank goodness for the war. Just kidding.
The Strange Times: It’s true that a lot of Democrats campaigned this year on
their opposition to the war. But back during the build-up to the war, when the
opposition might still have made a difference, you Democrats and the so-called
liberal media were silent.
Nancy Pelosi: Like the American people, we were given bad information by the
Bush administration.
The Strange Times: Come on, you knew just like the administration knew that
Sadaam wasn’t really a credible threat to our national security.
Nancy Pelosi: Maybe, but Bush and his war were very popular at the time and
it seemed to be inevitable that it was going to happen. Bad-mouthing the war
would just give the Republicans an excuse to call us cowards and traitors.
The Strange Times: What can we expect from congress now that the
Democrats are in charge?
Nancy Pelosi: Well, you’ll see an end to the rubber-stamp congress that Bush
has enjoyed for the past six years. It’ll be more like rubber hose congress. The
president and his cronies are going to be called to account for every action they’
ve ever taken. We’re going to get those bastards for six years of abuse.
The Strange Times: As the House Minority Leader you were the first woman to
lead a major party in congress and now you’re the first to be Speaker of the
House. Do you aspire to be the first female president?
Nancy Pelosi: No way. As you know, my district is San Francisco and it’s been
in Democratic hands since the fifties. I’ve never faced a credible opponent.
Having to actually campaign all over the country sounds like a lot of work.
Besides, this seat is mine until I decide to retire. That’s tough to give up.
The Strange Times: Then, would you support the aspirations of your
Democratic sister, Hillary Clinton?
Nancy Pelosi: As president? I don’t want to speak ill of a fellow Democrat, but
that one’s an uptight bitch. And she slept her way to the top.
The Strange Times: Really? With who?
Nancy Pelosi: Her husband, silly.
The Strange Times: What will be the top priorities of the 110th Congress when
it convenes in January?
Nancy Pelosi: We’ll definitely be passing a minimum wage hike.
The Strange Times: Won’t the president probably veto it?
Nancy Pelosi: Probably, but at least we can tell our voters that we tried but the
heartless Republican president foiled us. We’ll get a lot of mileage out of that in
2008. Also, we’ll want to get some investigations going. Hopefully we can
dredge up some juicy scandals before the next election cycle.
The Strange Times: How about immigration reform?
Nancy Pelosi: That’s a complicated issue and I really have no idea what to do
about it. But the whole border-fence thing is asinine.
The Strange Times: Unlike yourself, many of your fellow Democrats are anti-
abortion, anti-gun control, pro-tax cuts…is the Democratic Party getting more
conservative?
Nancy Pelosi: On the contrary, I think the Democratic Party is getting back to
its liberal roots after seeing the disastrous results of Bush’s brand of
conservatism.
The Strange Times: One last question; what’s in your purse?
Nancy Pelosi: Let’s see…Kleenex…lipstick…compact…ticket stubs…vibrator…
keys…cell phone…mace…leather crotchless panties…riding crop…half a
joint…and my copy of the Constitution.
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