stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier
than at least half of what you'll hear about from CNN.
An attorney working for the ACLU filed a federal lawsuit today naming as
the defendant “Santa Claus, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, a.k.a. Saint Nicholas.”
According to the complaint the jolly old elf discriminates against non-
Christians by distributing gifts only on Christmas eve and not on
Hanukkah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, the winter solstice, or the last Sunday in
December (for atheists).
A spokesman for the ACLU told reporters, “Santa Claus purports to
deliver gifts to all of the good boys and girls of the world. But by only
delivering on Christmas to Christian children, he’s implying that all of the
non-Christian children are bad. That’s not only discriminatory, it’s
libelous.”
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but we did locate one of
Santa’s helpers taking his lunch break at a bar near the mall. When told
about the lawsuit he stated angrily, “The ACLU can go f##k themselves.”
Bush Announces New Iraq Policy
In a historic pronouncement the president admitted that “staying the
course” in Iraq may not be feasible. He said that his administration,
through no fault of their own, greatly overestimated the ability of different
factions in the country to get along. “In a democracy it’s natural to insult
and even demonize your opponents. But when you’re actually killing
them the whole thing kind of breaks down.”
He went on to explain, “In this situation democracy might not be the
answer, at least not at this time. They may need a strong, centralized
government, with the ultimate authority vested in a single person with a
large, well-trained army to enforce his law. That’s why we’ve decided to
propose that a new leader be appointed. We could call him the Shah of
Iraq.”
When asked if this new leader wouldn’t be a dictator, much like Saddam
Hussein, the president replied, “That’s sort of true, but unlike Saddam
he would be on our side.”
Britney Marries Madonna
Pop star Britney Spears reportedly married aging pop star Madonna in a
garish ceremony at the Pink Pussycat, a popular gay bar in Boston’s
SoHo district. The impromptu ceremony was reportedly thrown together
on a moment’s notice, then the couple partied into the night before
leaving for an undisclosed honeymoon location.
Although neither of the stars could be reached for comment, a close
personal friend of Britney’s said that she confided, “Ever since that
televised kiss I’ve been hot for Madonna. It was just-- guys don’t know
how to use their tongue like that. Now we’ve both done the hetero thing
with marriage and having a baby, but the whole time we’ve been having
an affair. Now it’s time to be true to ourselves.”
O.J. To Release Book With Different Title
O.J. Simpson, whose publisher cancelled the release of his new book
after a public outcry, reports that he will be releasing the book through a
different publisher with a different title. The book “If I Did It” reportedly
had Simpson rhetorically telling how he would have committed those
infamous murders if he had committed them. Many people were
angered by the exercise and the publisher cancelled the release of the
book and said that all copies would be destroyed.
According to Simpson, “I think the problem was that the title of the book
was too glib. So the new edition will be titled, “I Didn’t Do It, But If I Had
Done It This is What I Would Have Done. But I Didn’t.”
Tom Cruise Files For Annulment
Tom Cruise, who is recovering from brain surgery to remove a tumor,
filed for an annulment from Katie Holmes. According to our sources he
suffered a brain injury during the filming of A Few Good Men that
resulted in the tumor, affecting the part of the brain that regulates good
judgment. Apparently the injury went undetected until recently.
Therefore, he is claiming that he wasn’t in his right mind when he
married Katie.
When reached for comment Tom said, “It’s true, ever since the accident
my judgment has been muddled. I mean-- Scientology, Nicole Kidman,
the Mission Impossible series-- this injury explains a lot. Obviously I
haven’t been in my right mind for quite some time. If I was thinking
clearly I never would have knocked Katie up, and I damn sure wouldn’t
have married her.”
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