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for a little bit of
good advice...go
find yourself a
qualified
counselor. Our
Strange Advice
Lady has been
found incompetent
to stand trial on
two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel
the spirit of Dear
Abby (the twin that
ISN"T dead).
I work in a large office area that’s divided into many cubicles. This may
seem like a minor thing, but it’s driving me crazy. The guy in the cubicle
next to mine is constantly chewing on gum--loudly. All day long I hear
this chomping, popping sound. I’ve tried using a radio to drown it out,
but if I turn it up loud enough to drown out the chomping, other cubicle-
dwellers complain about the music being too loud. Can you imagine
that?
I swear that it is slowly driving me insane, like some kind of inhumane
torture. What can I do? Is my only recourse to quit my job? Should I
confront him?
CHEW ON THIS
DEAR CHEW ON THIS;
In my experience, when you confront inconsiderate jerks like that they’ll
just sneer and say, “Deal with it.” You need to take a more proactive
stance. When the gum-chewer is away from his desk you need to take
one of his pieces of gum, put a couple of drops of liquid LSD on it (ask
your drug dealer what a good dose is and double it), then carefully re-
wrap it.
Within an hour after chewing the drugged gum he will be laughing
uncontrollably and screaming at his co-workers to get the lizards off his
back as he spins in circles, swatting at the imaginary lizards. As security
is hauling him away you say, “I think he’s on drugs. My cousin acted the
same way before they took him off to rehab.” You’ll never have to see
or hear him again, except maybe begging for change on a street corner.
DEAR STRANGE ADVICE LADY;
I have a problem with my next door neighbors and I’m at a loss as to
what I should do. They’re perfectly nice people, but they have, like, two
dozen wind chimes hanging on their front porch. Every time the slightest
breeze blows it sounds like an out-of-tune orchestra is warming up next
door.
Forget about sleeping with the windows open. On a windy night I can’t
even sleep with the windows shut. I almost long for the days when those
crack dealers lived there. At least they always used silencers after ten o’
clock. Is there some way I can get them to take down the chimes without
coming across as an ass?
HATES THE CHIMES
DEAR HATES THE CHIMES;
You’re not an ass, they’re the asses. You have every right to be
enraged by this violation of your peace and quiet. You need to go over
there in the middle of the night and take those chimes down yourself.
You’re not sleeping anyway. Then you take some small animal-- or
better yet, their family pet-- and hang that up from the porch instead.
They’ll get the message and the wind chimes won’t be replaced.
DEAR STRANGE ADVICE LADY;
I have a bizarre problem, but perhaps you can help. Five years ago I
was in an airplane that crashed into the ocean. About twenty-five of us
survived and made it to a tiny island nearby. But there was no food on
the island-- it was just sand and rocks. So to survive for the fourteen
days it took rescuers to find us, we resorted to cannibalism. We drew
lots to decide who got butchered and eaten and, in all, seven people
became an entrée before the remaining eighteen were found.
The problem is, I acquired a taste for human flesh. In fact, it’s the only
food that I still enjoy. I’ve thought about trying to steal a body from a
morgue or mortuary, but once they embalm it the meat is ruined. Plus,
fresh meat is much better. For the past five years I’ve kept my freezer
stocked through on-line dating services. I post a fake picture and profile
(sometimes a man and sometimes a woman, they all taste the same) and
then set up a meeting in some isolated, out of the way place.
The thing is, my freezer is almost empty again and I’m starting to feel a
little guilty about taking human life just to satisfy my appetite.
FED UP WITH MYSELF
DEAR FED UP WITH MYSELF;
Actually, human flesh can be part of a healthy diet, but you should also
be eating some fresh fruits and vegetables. Maybe you could cook
some vegetables in with the human flesh, like a pot roast.
Also, you should take some steps to make sure that the people you are
eating aren’t otherwise productive members of society. Have you ever
seen that TV show where cops pose as underage girls on the internet
and lure perverts into a trap? You're food would come right to your door
and they're not going to tell anybody where they're going.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
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