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so we just make these stories up. It
may not be informative but it's a lot
funnier than at least half of what
you'll hear about from CNN.
A panel of distinguished scientists have released the findings of a
government-commissioned study to pinpoint the Biblical end of times. The
panel was made up of all the most prominent scientists who have
supported the teaching of creationism in public schools. The leader and
spokesman of the group, Dr. Adam Iman, is an instructor at the Walden
Haimes Correspondence School of Scientific Stuff.
According to Dr. Iman, “For years the liberal scientific conspiracy has been
claiming that the world is going to end soon due to the greenhouse effect
or global warming. As if a couple of degrees temperature change signals
the end. Wars in the middle east and huge natural disasters signal the
end. We believe we have scientifically pinpointed the date of the Rapture
to a two-month period beginning in June of 2010. The good news is that
everybody has two years left to turn themselves over to Jesus. Of course,
if we elect a godless liberal instead of a Christian conservative as our next
president, God is going to show up pissed.”
CALIFORNIA ADDS “TERMINATOR SQUAD” TO HELP GUARD BORDER
To help beef up security along the border between California and Mexico
the state police are assigning a special twenty-five man “terminator squad”
to back up the federal border patrol agents. The police agents will be
wearing costumes and masks to resemble the character that Governor
Schwarzenegger played in the movie “Terminator.”
According to Captain Dick Huckman, a spokesman for the state police, the
squad’s purpose is mostly symbolic. “They’ll be prominently stationed at
border checkpoints and other places along the border. The purpose is to
send a message to those who would sneak in illegally. We’re not going to
tolerate it anymore. We’re going to terminate illegal immigrants--I mean,
illegal immigration.”
CANADA’S PARLIAMENT CONSIDERS BUILDING A FENCE
Today the Canadian Parliament gave first-round approval to study the
idea of building a large fence along the American border. According to a
statement issued to the press, “Lately Canada has had an influx of
undocumented U.S. citizens crossing the border and never leaving. Some
are soldiers going AWOL to avoid going back to Iraq, but most are just
disaffected citizens who don’t like the political climate in their own country.
We have to do something to avoid becoming a haven for American
malcontents who take our jobs and take advantage of our socialized
medicine.”
CHENEY DECLARES, “I ONLY EAT CUTE ANIMALS”
In a rare in-depth interview with a magazine, Vice President Dick Cheney
told all about his unusual diet. According to Cheney, “I only eat small, cute
animals that I’ve killed myself. No beef or pork. That’s for pussies.”
The VP went on to explain, “I trap bunnies and squirrels, maybe a small
raccoon or a groundhog. Sometimes even a cat or a small dog if they’re
in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then I kill them, usually with my bare
hands, and eat them. A real man kills his own meals. Plus, really cute
things just seem to piss me off.”
PARIS HILTON WON’T APPEAR NUDE IN PLAYBOY
Paris Hilton held a press conference today to declare that she absolutely
would not appear in a nude pictorial for Playboy magazine. She told
reporters, “I know some people say “What’s the big deal? Everybody’s
seen you nude because of that video.” But I was young and foolish then
and I was taken advantage of by a conniving son of a bitch. I will never
expose myself to the public that way again, unless I was in a movie and it
was essential to the plot. Or maybe if I go clubbing and forget to put on
underwear. That’s hot.”
When reached for comment Hugh Hefner, the publisher of Playboy,
remarked, “I must say that I’m shocked by Paris’ comments. Mainly
because we never asked her to appear in Playboy. Like she said,
everybody’s seen her nude, so it’s like, so what? Paris is a sweet girl but I
think she’s one of those rare beauties that looks better with her clothes
on.”
NRA ANNOUNCES “ADOPT A GUN” PROGRAM
Duke Chuttem, a spokesman for the National Rifle Association, held a
press conference today to announce a new program called “Adopt a
Gun.” According to Chuttem, “Every year federal, state and local law
enforcement agencies destroy thousands of firearms that were used in a
crime or otherwise confiscated but are no longer needed as evidence.
This is a wasteful policy--it’s not the weapon’s fault that it was used in a
crime. Under our program these guns will be purchased at a nominal fee
by responsible, legal gun owners who will give these weapons a good
home, take care of them, and use them to defend their homes and families
and the American way of life.”
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