little bit of good
advice...go find yourself
a qualified counselor.
Our Strange Advice
Lady has been found
incompetent to stand
trial on two separate
occasions and she
claims to channel the
spirit of Dear Abby (the
twin that ISN"T dead).
My husband and I have been married for twenty years and are childless
by choice. My sister, on the other hand, has four children under ten years
old. The problem is, whenever they come to visit the children seem more
like wild beasts than civilized humans. They run and play throughout our
home, which is decorated with exquisite antiques, and their table manners
are atrocious. Sometimes I wonder if we shouldn’t just lay some paper
down in the pantry and put their food on the floor.
Is this normal behavior for children of such age, or is their something
wrong with my niece and nephews? I know that I never behaved that way
at any age. When I try to correct their most egregious examples of bad
breeding, such as picking up food with their fingers or chewing with their
mouths open, my sister just laughs and says “Good luck with that.” Am I
expecting too much from these little demons? Am I so out of touch that
society has eroded to this extent and I just haven’t noticed until now?
Aggravated Aunt
Dear Aggravated Aunt;
The answer to your last question, dear lady, is yes. My advice to you is to
rent a large tractor that’s powerful enough to pull the stick out of your
butt. One of those little tractors won’t do, you’re going to need one of
those big two-story jobs with the enclosed cab that’s as big as my den.
Once that is done you should put away your fragile items before they visit,
put slipcovers on the furniture, and enjoy the laughter of your young
relatives without worrying about their deportment or etiquette. You’ll all
have a much better time.
Dear Strange Advice Lady;
I am a thirty-five year old single male who has a good career, my own
condo, a nice car and impeccable standards of hygiene. But I have only
had sex twice in my life, once in high school and once in college. The
thing is, both of these girls remarked on the small stature of my
“manhood.” Also, from what I’ve seen in locker rooms and while standing
at urinals I know that I don’t measure up very well.
I’ve been on a few dates since then, but I guess my confidence has been
shaken and I always seem to avoid any chance of intimate contact. I need
to know, is there a safe and effective way to increase my size or am I
doomed to a life of loneliness?
Big At Heart
Dear Big At Heart:
There are many pills and lotions and pumps on the market that claim to
increase the size of your penis. Unfortunately, they are all a rip-off. Some
of them might cause some temporary swelling, but nothing beneficial.
There is one ancient method that is tried-and-true, but it requires some
commitment and a high threshold for pain. For two hours every day you
must stand naked with a five pound weight hanging from the end of your
penis. Within a month you will see measurable results, although what you
gain in length may be lost in girth.
As an even more drastic alternative, you might consider consulting a
plastic surgeon to see if there’s a surgical solution. If they can make a
penis out of a clitoris, maybe they can make a mountain out of your
molehill.
But the most important thing you should remember is that size doesn’t
matter. Unless your extremely large or extremely small, which I guess kind
of applies here, so never mind.
Dear Strange Advice Lady:
I am a middle-aged man who is at the end of my rope. Due to my
overwhelming and self-destructive addiction to cough syrup I have lost my
job, my wife and kids, and everything I’ve ever owned. Now I’m living at
the YMCA with nothing but the clothes on my back and my last five
hundred dollars-- my share of our assets from the divorce settlement.
What I want to know is; How much Robitussin would it take to cause an
overdose?
Dead End Dan
Dear Dead End Dan:
Now dear, suicide is not the answer. Murder-suicide is much better.
Wouldn’t you rather go out in a blaze of glory and take everybody who’s
ever wronged you along? Your former boss, your former wife, maybe
your former wife’s divorce attorney? I’m sure you have a list all written out.
Go out and buy yourself a good semi-automatic rifle and plenty of ammo,
plus extra clips for quick reloading. It’s very important that you plan your
route carefully, so the cops don’t catch up to you before you’ve gotten
everybody on the list. Good luck.
beg you to reconsider. All of these letters are made
up and her advice isn't very good, not even
adequate. However, if you insist on writing send your
email to advice@thestrangetimes.com and she
might answer your letter in her column if she's taken
her medication that day.
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