stories up. It may not be informative but it's a lot funnier
than most of that stuff you'll read from CNN.
President Bush challenged Congress today to pass his new plan to
eliminate estate taxes and capital gains taxes and to reduce the federal
income tax to zero. When asked how this was possible the President
replied, "We have a solid offer from Japan to buy California for fifteen
trillion dollars. I think that we should accept it. As a state, California
has become more trouble than it's worth, and that money would mean
that real Americans could be free from paying federal taxes for at least
several years. Anyway, our best government scientists say that half
that state will be underwater within ten years anyway because the ice
caps are melting from the greenhouse-- oops, wait. Forget I said that."
The former athlete, actor and murder suspect held a press conference
in Miami to announce that after years of relentless pursuit he has finally
caught up to the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. "I can
tell the truth now." Simpson told reporters. "Back then, I knew the
police would never believe they were murdered by a one-legged white
man who framed me for the killings--they would just want to pin it on the
black man. I did go to Nicole's that night, and I was pissed. If she gave
me any lip I probably would have smacked her up side the head But as
I'm walking up the driveway the one-legged man comes hobbling toward
me at top speed and then kicked me in the head with the three wood
that he has in place of the lower half of his left leg. The last thing I saw
before I was knocked unconscious was the number three."
O.J. went on to explain that, knowing that only a real golf fanatic would
use a three wood as a prosthetic, he began tracking the one-legged
man as soon as his trials were over, tracking him from golf course to
golf course all over the world, always one step behind him. Until he
finally caught up to him at the Marlin County Country Club in Florida.
After a brief struggle O.J. placed the one-legged man (whose identity is
still unknown) under citizen's arrest and then turned him over to the
groundskeeper to hold for authorities.
Law enforcement officials in Florida and California all refused to
comment on Simpson's claims. Club officials would only confirm that
they did have a suspect locked in the tool shed.
A confidential source claims that Vice President Dick Cheney has been
hiring hobos to come out to his Wyoming ranch and let him hunt them
on his property with a shotgun loaded with salt pellets, paying them up
to one hundred dollars per shooting. As an apparent incentive, the
longer they evade him the more they are paid for their wound.
Cheney was overheard commenting to a friend, "Ever since the
"accident" hunting animals just isn't the same. You get such a greater
rush from shooting the world's most dangerous animal."
When reached for comment a Cheney spokesman would only say, "The
Vice President didn't do anything wrong. If he did fire salt pellets at
some homeless people they were willing participants and nobody was
seriously injured. All due safety precautions were taken--the hobos
were given goggles to protect their eyes."
Later at a news conference a reporter asked Cheney if these things
really went on at his ranch and the Vice President replied, "Why don't
you come on out and see for yourself? I'll give you a ten second head
start."
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly confided to a
source that he's thinking about running for Vice President. "I'm kind of
in the same boat as Dick Cheney. He's not going to run for President
because he knows that he could never be popular enough to win. I
can't run for President because the damn Constitution says you gotta
be born a citizen. So I must follow Cheney's example, run as Vice
President with a Presidential Candidate who's really popular but not
very bright. That way he'll let me set policy while he worries about more
important things, like the proper way to pronounce "deficit."
Nick Lachey, who is reportedly asking for a large alimony payment in his
divorce from Jessica Simpson, confided to a friend that Jessica was
abusive throughout their marriage, saying, "She has this image of being
all sweetness and light, but when the cameras are off she's one vicious
little bitch. Even our sex life, she liked to dress up in leather and strap
me down. At first I thought it was all in good fun, but she'd have me all
tied up and just beat the crap out of me. Every night I'd cry myself to
sleep."
He also made even more horrific claims, such as that she once
connected a car battery to his testicles and she sometimes left him tied
up for days with only a damp rag to suck on for sustenance. Lachey
reports that he's in talks for a made-for-cable-TV movie about the
tumultuous relationship, "unless she pays up big time to shut me up.":
Former President Bill Clinton and Joe Francis, the genius behind the
Girls Gone Wild franchise, have announced that they are going to work
together on a project, a new series of videos called Interns Gone Wild.
Clinton will be the on-camera personality, hosting wild drunken parties
for young Washington interns and enticing young ladies to expose
themselves.
When reached for comment Clinton said, "I've been looking for an
interesting project and I'm really very excited about this one. I mean it--
physically excited. But seriously, I think it's a great chance to help
these young go-getters gain some public exposure and show off their
talents. And who knows, I might get lucky." When asked what he
meant by "lucky" the former President replied, "No new STDs."
The aging hard rock performer Ozzy Osbourne has reportedly joined a
temple in Beverly Hills which he attends religiously. When asked about
his conversion Ozzy said, "It wasn't really a f##king conversion. It turns
out that I've f##king always been Jewish. But the f##king seventies
were such a f##king haze that when it was all over, for some reason I
thought I was a Catholic or something. Maybe it was because of
f##king Black Sabbath and all the satanistic s##t we did. Us Jews don't
really believe in the f##king devil."
When asked if the rest of his family had joined him in re-affirming his
Jewish faith he replied, "They're Jews, they can't f##king deny it. We
even took Jack to the Rabbi and got him f##king circumcised. I think I
cried more than he did."
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